Soul dressing over ceasers salad...

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou, on Oprah Winfrey


Had a fabulous lunch....ceaser salad...crispy crouton...green green grass of salad bowl :) Damn...feels healthy!

And was seated overlooking KLCC’s fountain park. Sun shinning....Bloody hell...it was damn good (and this feel-good-factor had nothing to do with the guy sitting opposite me…he is married)!!!!!

Noticed people swaying past Starbucks, hop to Dome…settled down…smoke a bit, try not to melt in the smelting heat in their high-powered suits....Noticed for the first time in a fuck**** long time the almost cloudless sky! SKY?!!....numb I definitely am not! Looks like I am slowly regaining my living soul!

Back to lunch, amazingly, my partner in crime **being a grown man** actually had a fairly good time digging into his salad! Amazing discovery, i tell you!

Best part, he was older and of course earning much more than I am ..... so, in the natural order of the world * wink wink ~ uncurled, short, bloody chinese eyelashes*, he paid for my ceasers salad! Keep this up and I WILL think that the world owes me!!!

The dessert for today: my lunch partner, Mr Married(MrM).

Goes like this:-

MrM: how are you?

Me: good

MrM: how is work?

Me: good.

MrM: personal life? (to say the least, I got knocked down by infatuation and lust…now, have to get back up and fight the world again…)

* this is where I rant abt lost love and where the hell is my soulmate – not worth your precious time writing*

(I love this part best)

MrM: Don’t kill yourself over it, he is not worth it. You are!!

(sob sob….dear heavens, why are all good man either married or gay?!!! Why why why?)

MrM: shit…i am petrified abt marriage lar….shitting in my pants here

Me: *laughed my ass off*….relax, you are just getting cold feet here….anyway, you were the one WHO proposed!

MrM: yeah….it is just that I have been on the dark side lately. I feel like I am NUMB to everything else. I really don’t care if the world dies tomorrow. I just go to work, do my work not because I am passionate about it but because I get paid to do my fucking job!!! Bottomline, I DON’T CARE!!!....i just get pissed drunk, then go home and get high on pot

Me: does your wife know that you smoke pot? (concern but not judgmental)

MrM: yeah

Me: ok. Actually, you make me happy because I now know I am not the only one in the dark moods lately.

* just then, I realize whaevert dark, lost feeling I was going thru is probably somewhat similar to a million ppl’s experience as well…..albeit, different degree of intensity. Some more so than others (i.e. leading to suicidal attempts and mild depression )

MrM: LOL…I m glad that my predicament is making you happy….

Me: no no….ok, it does lar…but the point is this, it makes me feel LESS ALONE……the darn gnawing emptiness!

Spinning the world around my fingers?!!!....

I went to the gym last night. Was early. So, decided to join spinning.

Although it sounds rather “canggih”, it is really nothing more than a juxtaposition of competitive cycling and hill climb…having said that, it also comes with a bouncer-look-alike instructor demanding more than 100% of your sweat….DAMN my ass hurts like hell now!

It was GOOD! But it still doesn’t erase the fact that my ass hurts. I think I need a hot soak or a spa treatment for my ass. Truth be told, because I pushed so hard (in a none sexual manner, mind you), my clitoris hurts like hell too!

This is embarrassing but have to be told in case some poor gal wants to try it. Not sure how the guys feel after the class though….probably lost some mojo to the tune of Hoobastank? Would love to find out though….hmmmm…

I love gym! After gym – it really does release happy adrenaline thingy! I think the most important thing abt having a so-called “gym-ing” culture is that it gives me a sense of control.

What am I talking about? Well, I read an article on Cleo (yeah, I am been accused of having a literacy diet limited to Cleo ~ coz it is cheap and Cosmo ~ coz it is expensive) that elaborated on a girl’s need to control at least one thing in their life. Some girls control their bf, some upkeep their house to the point of being a fanatic, others control their career or a mother controlling kids and hubby (which is the most common scenario)…. In a nutshell, as human beings, we need to “control” at least one aspect of life. (So guys, if your *soulmate* nags, try counting to 10 and remember: They can be excused because they need to “CONTROL” the relationship…if you are lucky, in bed!!)

The article goes on to advise that in order to avoid a relationship break-down, girls will need to find alternative avenue to divert the need to “control”. So, gym is a good way. It gives you a control of your physical being.

In my case, it gave me control over my life as initially my career does not look like it is going anywhere, no boyfriend as yet (potentially might not even HAVE) and my parents going for a separation!! I suddenly found myself fast losing control of LIFE...gym gave me back the sense of order and control.

If you happen to be a cosmopolitan chick (i.e. mid wage earner or slightly more gal working in city), it would not take much intelligence to note that every Mary, Jane and Ah Lian is jumping on the “Oh, I belong to Fitness First or Sweat Club” bandwagon! (read that as a high-pitch to shattered glass tone)….

Why gym?

MOST want to be slimmer and tone

Other than that, I won’t cross these reasons out either:-

(1) Some chicks want to meet guys

(2) Some guys want to meet other guys (very common in a certain Fitness First in a certain part of Damansara)…oopss did I say damansara?..hahahah…the cat is out !!!

(3) Some want to be healthy,

(4) Some want to network (hopefully with the hot babe/hunk from KPMG? Ernst and Young? Petronas? Maxis?)

(5) Some might even find extra-marital affair with hot, single career-minded chick who don’t mind the additional attention minus the hassle of a relationship (sort of like having nasi lemak but no calorie intake ~ shit, that would be heavenly!!)

So, looks like I will be “gym-ing” again tonight. There is this cute cina beng who hits the treadmill almost every other day….want to be next to him…just to ogle at his thigh muscle….*swooning*

Cheerios!

A truth which has never been told so succinctly

*Never quite understood Mars vs. Venus* ~ Thank goodness i am not in a relationship.....might have to do a masters in astronomy then...For your reading pleasure.....enjoy :)

"I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear:"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying,"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you -- she was SO excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement;smiling with excited anticipation she finally said,"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey,I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added: "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the thingsI buy you?"APPARENTLY I'M NOT HAVING SEX TONIGHT EITHER

Great vs. Small: Forever a Woman's Issue

A Tribute to the Woman in Us All

Was reading the papers - Star Two - on Ms HK 1989 Monica Chan and yadda yadda yadda.....

Damn it!! Did any of you see her flawless skin? More importantly, scuplted arms and slim figure? ....I was in the gym yesterday - doing an hour of treadmill jog, then failed to resist the yummy durian that was offered smack right in front of my face...and thousand miles away, Ms Chan was smilling sweetly into the camera...posing like the world is her plate of oyster..it probably is!

I proclaim this the battle of the great (trying to be politically polite here and at the same time less harsh on my physical attribute *OUCH*) v. small (i.e. pretty exotic birds)

A guy once told me, hot babe gets it all. The unfortunate, not so "hot" - looking babe have to work for it! Dear heavens, if you are listening in: that ain't fair play.....

And Ms Chan had the bloody gall to say: Her dream man doesn't necessarily have to be rich but he must be handsome, looks like a male model and have no zits!!......WHAT!! WHAT!! whatt!!! (incredulous cum puzzled look...neatly shaped eyebrow rising to forehead!!)

I tried to "pikat" a guy not too long ago, he was ugly (which is testament to love/ infatuation being fucking blind)...don't even mention male model look alike...and failed miserably at that too....*sigh*.....are looks everything?

Then, if I am an actress, the world but a stageplay...why in heaven's name was I not born prettier? taller? slimmer?, bountiful (in the right places mind you - coz at the moment, it is all in the wrong area!)? ARGH!!!

That is why slimming centres promising a life REBORN are mushrooming everywhere. And they promise you a whole new life....boost your self-esteem....etc...does it work? From my friends' testimonial, some say yes...others say no. Be your own judge. No conclusive evidence.

Naturally being a woman, living in this sometimes harsh, other times exciting cosmopolitan city, where everyday is a rat race...being beautiful and slim is an added advantage.

I for one, am guilty of thinking that slimming centres can and will be able to elevate my mere existence into stardom. I signed up, made easier by installment payment. Starved myself for two weeks....(this happened last year)....and now, back to hitting the gym...coz the kgs i lost during the programme actually piled back. But, i feel better and more in control now...coz I have tried (squench my thirst for the unknown promises) and it didn't work on me...i know exercise will always be a healthier alternative!

However, must say that I am guilty of being a gym addict. Anyone with the same symptom? I have seen many gals/guys hitting the gym in a rather scary religious manner....why? why? why?

Because we can't love ourselves any other way...we are shaped from other ppl's perception and expectation...Who are the audience of this stageplay, if everyone is an actor?

How the fuck is "inner" beauty suppose to shine when your exterior is shinning and shooting PRADA, GUCCI, Vincci glitters every single minute?

And I always thought inner beauty was everything. Fucking crap actors of the world....

Let me reaffirm, WOMAN ~ we are beautiful...because WE ARE GREAT!!!....

*Sigh*.....been a rather long day my dear friends. So much to write...such jumbled thought...

Still trying to sign off with a smile :)



Pikat = go after, i.e. make a dimwit guy fall for me.

My life as defined by Shakespeare...

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; An one man in his time plays many parts" - As You Like It, Shakespeare

25 yrs, my friends....25 yrs! Damn ~ been quite a ride, would love to say it had been a smooth ride, but to acknowledge that would mean that i am bullshitting my way through life.

Been shit! Been heavenly! Been boring! Been interesting! Been happy! Been sad! Been secretly loving someone but GOD DAMN IT ~ have not been loved!

All in all, the crux of my life lies in the fact that I am but an actress, playing my part in this great big universe. But, the question remains: what part am I playing?

The mellowed-down studious gal in uni or the one who says fuck all the time in high school ~ until one friend actually had the gall to acuse me of bad influence ~ fuck, not my fault when she decides to emulate me....

Or the rebellious child who mature and trying to make amendments for all the faults/ disrespect I have shown to my parents...(this much i know is true: if you are still in your teens and reading this and probably won't come back for a second helping, take this fucking advise: respect thee parents....they know a lot more shit than you will ever comprehend!!)...sigh! and still making mistakes along the way....man, will i never learn...

Or the public facade I use when I go to work...wake up at 6.30am (curse the Ampang jam), shower, brush my teeth (coz mummy says so ~ otherwise, i don't think I will bother...too much trouble...too early in the morning :)....in office at 7.30am. Pretend my work is important. Scoot off for breakfast at 9am. 11.30am - think of lunch. Best time of my day, during lunch when I get to mingle with my workmates. At 2.30pm - try damn hard not to fall asleep. 6pm, work start to pile up and can't go back/ gym until seven-ish. And don't get me wrong, although i lament abt the "routine" mundaness of my working life, I actually happen to love my work and my workmates very much....

So, what role, if I may ask, am I playing along the way?

Is Shakespeare right: We are merely actors and the world our stage...(a damn big stage, if i may say so....giving me a surge in adrenaline, deluding myself into thinking that i can achieve whateva i dream of.....except love....which still remains a mystery)...

Soooo focus, yet soooo LOST....DAMN IT!

Signing off with a smile....