Cheating heart

Because of one sms, my world started spinning out of axis again. Because of some casual playful words, my heart was lost again. Because of his voice, I lost all concentration on my work again!

Sigh…I am tired of repeating all the anguish of secretly liking him as more than friends. My friends are tired of hearing me analyze his every move. I feel bad lamenting.

This is a post to myself: Lets be friends. He might come in useful sometime in the future. For now, you are to concentrate on getting promoted, gym and studies. You must pass your damn exam. No more failing.

Sigh....friends, i need support at times like this!

Leleente ~ the world is but a stageplay, and what a wonderful world this can be….if only you will it to be!! I will be happy for happiness is the secret to freedom…

Popiah, pork noddles

Popiah, pork noddles, spiced with f*** language and some good laugh

Had lunch with MrM. As usual, he makes life sooooo interesting.

He is getting married the Chinese way* in two weeks time. Naturally, the conversation revolved around the impending “disaster”, as he puts it, throwing a few f*** word here and there lar. But for your sanity, I shall censor it! I came back from too much laughter amidst sweating profusely trying to eat my pork noodles!! Being a good Samaritan, I shall spare you the ordeal! Hahahha

MrM’s quote for the day: “The one good way to kill a relationship is by getting married”

A warning to all the legitimate single bachelors out there: Don’t get married.

If you have the “itch” to get down on your knees and proposed eternal love, MrM’s advise: Scratch that “itch”, you stupid bastard! And don’t ever get down on your knees, you stupid f***er.

My advise: Think of responsibility because love does not exist on a particle of its own definition. It exist on the same axis as mutual respect, appreciation, gratitude, and above all a whole lot of responsibilities. Henceforth, getting married is such a load full of responsibilities that I shudder at the thought of it!

Anyway, the point of this post is not to super-impose my rather bias outlook on you. I just want to impart the hilarious conversation that went on the dining table…

MrM: I tell you, marriage is a dillutive earnings mergers. (Only if you have financial background, you will be able to appreciate this joke!). I mean, since I get paid more than her, her share price has risen while mine has fallen during the “acquisition period”. I tell you, this is one hell of an expensive asset!

Me: Relax friend! You must take into account “goodwill” cost…to be amortized in later years. This whole wedding dinner and peripheral expenses must be taken into consideration when she is doing the house work and laundry.

MrM: WTF?!!!What house work? What laundry?

MsQantas: Communicate with your wife and ask her to talk to your in-laws abt the wedding dinner expenses

MrM: What wife? *rolling on the floor laughing my ass off*

MrSoonToBeFather: Think of it as a “synergy” of assets. Welcome to the club my friend! *a camaraderie back pat*

MrM: This is all your fault! Why did you not give all the warning sooner!

MsQantas: Love is blind. Marriage is blind, deaf and dumb!

Hahahahha….being the youngest and least experience in the matters of the heart, I could only do one thing: ENTERTAIN myself silly!

* I am very opinionated on the topic of celebration of auspicious merger, the Chinese way! I had a conversation with Finland babe and she was taken aback when I vehemently dread attending a wedding dinner end of this month! *ARGH*…She said isn’t wedding parties suppose to be a lot of fun. When we depicted our definition of wedding dinner/ parties, we realize therein lies the problem. Gua lois just have fun! We throw a bloody banquet for 500 ppl…90% whom you only met once in your life!! As MrM puts it, what bloody “face”?!! To top that, chances are the bridegroom’s father will have a feast drinking away with his “kaki”…lets hope I never have to go thru that!

Altered paradigm

I wish I didn’t have to tell you this, but it must be told. And yet, my heart aches as I spew the words.

How to construct this to make it sound less bleak? How to tell you this without losing much innocence? Am I just cynical or is this called growing into a mature stage?

She said that I am way too innocent. She expressed her motherly concern. Some time, I feel that she has outgrown me…yet, she is younger than I.

Wake up! People around me shriek! *shaking heads ~ pitying me my idealism*

Yet, I refuse! Grasp to the rapidly thinning thread of child-like faith and innocence with dear life.

WTF am I talking abt? Relationships *eyes rolling* of course. Specifically, male female rel, that involves more than just sex (i.e. sharing your bloody life with that one person, whom your deranged mind somehow recognize as soulmate)

My idealism: I believe in soulmates. I hold the belief that there is only one person whom I am meant to hold, respect and above all trust. This would be the definition of all encompassing love. “Trust” is the topic I dwell in most times. It is fragile and once broken, considered well…broken lar!

My cynicism: Rising evidence of infidelity everywhere you turn to…rather sad, but she said it must be accepted as hard cold reality!

The sadness in me comes from the recognition that I am slowing losing the child-like faith in a relationship and skewing towards the cynical part of me. And I don’t even need to experience infidelity….all I need to do is look around me and heard all the behind-bedroom door stories!

Is it wrong to believe? Is it not easier to trust?

A person close to my heart once asked: How can you only love one man? Do you not feel attracted to other man?

I answered: Of course you fantasize about other man…lust for them….wish they were yours…but actually putting your fantasy into action is all together different. An action is a conscious decision and as human being, you are only worthy of your actions. Hence, I am not saying I can’t love another. I am saying that I am human enough for that flaw but I am also human enough to stick by my decision of loving only one man!

And if you do have the urge to cheat, I think you must be smart enough to hide it!! FULL STOP!

One Heart

"God gave you:

Two legs to walk
Two hands to hold
Two ears to hear
Two eyes to see

Buy why did God give us only one heart?

Because he gave the other one to someone for you to find" - www.PravsWorld.com

Ahhhh.....beautiful words to a start of a beautiful morning.

This fragile heart of mine sought for that one missing heartbeat. When will you come (if ever?!)…to complete this erratic heartbeat, to become complete.

But alas, to find makes it complicated. It is so confusing at times. It is so distracting and there is always the tendency to portray your Mills & Boons fantasy onto the relationship. Thinking abt relationship makes me want to pull the end of my hair roots out. Does experiencing it makes it any better? Do you feel like the sky is blue, the roses are red and your heart beat so very fast!! Is there a blissful existence and makes you sixteen all over again?

Do I wish to experience infatuation with the hope of one day defining love? Yes and yet the risk is overwhelming! Remember the first time you learn to ride the bicycle? I think starting a relationship is going to be like that. The probability of falling and hurting your knee is ridiculously high. On the other hand, the joy of free riding down the hill is also exhilarating!

Lucky

This is one lucky draw no one wants!

Curse the “luck factor”!!!

When you really really wish for something, pray damn hard for it (for example him * wink wink*)….it almost never does materialize!

Turn the tables around and when you pray damn hard not to be the “lucky” one, the God of Lucks will miraculously smile and wave his magic wand so that “coincidentally” you will happen upon the grand prize!

This was what transpire during my morning meeting…it begun as a boring introduction to nature of corporate’s business. Naturally, I tried to battle the heavenly feeling of dozing off. It didn’t help that I, a small kuci rat, was sat smack right in the middle of two very important imposing figures. So, had to pretend that I knew my stuff yet again! *Just in case, they decide to offer me a job in their company*

It ended at the dot of twelve…yippieee…..time for lunch with MrM! Yippiee…we are going to River Money for some CD shopping *and maybe a pair of shoe in Vincci*??….

But before we end the meeting, emcee decided to throw in some fun to the rather bleak mid-morning by announcing that courtesy of the corporation, there will be five lucky draw winners. The prize would be a RM380 seminar on how to be a millionaire!! HA HA! *like real*

Something in me freaked out and hope against hope, my name was actually called. The chairman mis-pronounced my name. Suddenly, a glimpse of hope…maybe no one can recognize that name and I can pretend that it wasn’t me. But, heck, my company name was mentioned! Alas, I had to stand up and walk robotically towards the hands that were reached out to deliver the envelope (promising eternal wealth in a seminar!) On the back of my mind, I just wanted the floor to open and swallow me!

As I casually turned, I saw my colleague smirking! ARGH!!! Sheer bad luck, I tell you. Above all, embarrassment. I hate being the centre of attention in a conference/ meeting. It makes me feel all hot and flush…but not in the good way that s** would do…but urm, I don’t know how the latter "hot and flush" feels…*when I know, I shall be in better position to compare* ….chuckle!

The whole melodramatic circumstance was accentuated when ppl all around me commented that this must be my lucky day! Lucky my arse! A friend noted that this is the one lucky draw she did not want to win!! Damn right!