Gibberish thoughts & dreams...

I was surrounded by family members for the past two days..the need to seek solitude is great…the need to blog tugs….and here I am with my gibberish thoughts once more!

Anyone who has been to Waterfront Kuching would agree that it’s murky and unappealing in broad daylight. However, as sun sets, the flicker of streetlights and docked "sampans" lolling gracefully on riverbank exudes a romantic peacefulness.

Sited at a Waterfront al fresco café in Kuching, I reminisced upon other happy occasions at waterfront cafes. Remember having an intimate and lovely dinner at Clark’s Quay, Singapore with my dear cousin (damn but I miss her much!!). Reflect upon another such occasion during 2004 Christmas, dining at The Riverside, Chiang Mai with my best friend and a Perth-based architect whom we chanced upon. Such memories are dear. The laughter still audible. The happiness still tangible.

Today, I sit all alone…grateful that I have had the experience….thankful I am still healthy breathing…and more importantly, immensely fortunate I still have dreams to achieve…the saying that a man without dreams is poorer than a pauper can not be truer!

Dreams and hope is the sole purpose of living. Acknowledging God and believing in miracles are what makes us embark on life’s journey with graceful strength. Cynicism is born out of your experience and acceptance of world’s cruelty. Born alone, strut among many, die in the arms of self-love: is truly living.

To dream and hope is what sparkle in my eye…is what you hear in my laughter…is what you sense when I am around. Are my dreams great than yours, you ask…nope, it is just a trivial..maybe even less noble…maybe even more impossible…but to tick every dream off my index finger is life’s greatest gift to mankind.

In this phase of life, I only dream of embarking on a two year working holiday to the united kingdom. Ever since I hit puberty, I have dreamt of studying and living in the UKs. I can not even substantiate my dream by saying that I want to visit the London bridge or Harrods…it is a calling. A dream I must achieve at all cost.

*Intermission time: mosquitoes sucking my blood. I am feeling the grime of tropical wind. And I need to pee…badly*

Aaahhh….back in hotel. Feels good. Where did I stop? Oh yeah…my UK dream.

If I am able to resist splurging all my money in KLCC and Sg Wang for next year, I might just be able to touch the grounds of bustling bitch cold London by year end 2005. To breathe the air, smile and then blog my first thought is what I will do. Then, I will check into a mole-hole hostel room. Dress to the nines and head for Oxford St.

*oh my gawd, I think I just had my first orgasm at the mere thought of swaggering on Oxford St*

This will be followed by a three pound baguette and coffee by the park….hmmm…fairly wonderful already!

On my first Sunday in London, I’ll head off to Notting Hill and explore Portobello market, with Notting Hill soundtrack playing on my discman.

A few more days down the road and I will probably start feeling homesick. I will probably cry, just like when I was studying in Melbourne. I want to think that I won’t book myself on the next flight back to Malaysia. I want to think I am made of sterner stuff.

Moving along, I will try to get a job. Odds in favour of “gwai los” are high. My intelligence and promise to “die for the company” will be superseded by “gwai los”, whose competitive edge hinges upon the mere fact that they are Brits. What a full load of bollocks. Still, I believe I will persevere. Will I get lucky twice? …..will I be able to find my dream job yet again? Dunno…lets hope I have enough good karma for God to grant me a second helping to good fortune.

Fast forward two years…I will come back, sporting a fake Brit accent. My cousin will sarcastically exclaim: “Sod off with that bloody accent!”

I will come home to realize my parents are older, my grands having health problems, my auntie probably the same generous self and my cousin mayhaps with her first child?

Will this dream ever matearilize? It feels dauntingly scary from my current stand point….I don’t know. Life has a weird knack of throwing your well-greased plans astray!!!..Maybe my heart will be stolen (if it is not already); I get a marriage proposal?!! (this is biological clock ticking) or I will realize I can not live without my friends and family…

Do I want London so much?...what do you think?

Cheerios!!

You gonna kill me * don't read!! *

Thus God made man, male and female, neither complete alone, each needing the other for true self-knowledge, self-affirmation and self-fulfillment – So, you’re single! by Margaret Clarkson

You are going to kill me!! I just know it. I will probably want to kill myself too. I am back to being completely paranoid abt him! This obsession is really getting on our nerves, ain’t it? Yet, a woman in “infatuation” can not help but lust after the unattainable!! I mean, who need him anyway?

I woke up…bang…first thought: him!! I freak!! I beg of you, do not read further! It is not educational nor insightful; just silly billie me being a romantic feather-minded Jane Austen gal!..

Hehhehe….this is my version of Winter Sonata ala Leleente style!!

We meet yet again for dinner..dimly romantic. I look him in the eye, softly smilling in awe of his handsomely etched features (aikks…his not so handsome features are suddenly attractive?!!...hurry, call the paramedics and admit me into a mental institution…I may potentially inflict harm on my sane self and drive my friends up the wall!!)

He presents me with a baby blue Tiffany box. I open. Exclaim: Oh my gawd…it is beautiful!

*A bracelet ~ very chic, very fashionable *

And being a sartorial fashionista…can not resist. And resist I did. Too expensive, I will say. (coyly; with the hope that he will insist I accept)…

I murmurs: You should only present such gifts to your girlfriend.

He sighs ever so softly and in a husky sexy tone says: Will you be mine?

I freeze, brains fail to function and true to Winter Sonata style, replies: oh my gawd…this is too sudden. I need time

Dashes off the restaurant…with him hot on my heels!!

*Rolling on the floor laughing..damn but I m good. I shall venture into writing romantic clichés once I have no other goals to achieve *

And of course I will mull over the million dollar question…avoid his calls for a day or two..and finally relent to my hearts contend and say YES..(yippee..get to keep Tiffany bracelet!!)

Then Sound of Music takes precedence…me and him holidaying on green mountains…musical romantic time…his hand clasped ever “so mean to be” with mine…touching his check lovingly…whisper my dreams for only he can know of….see the tug of a smile that inadvertently lights up my eye…

As he holds me, he will chase away my insecurity and doubts…make me sexy and beautiful, inside out.

I wonder what his mother look like? Will I like her? More importantly, will she like me? Will we get along? I better start taking up cooking again; need to learn a few kitchen magic from grams…

Oopps…quickly call the paramedics…I now proclaim myself demented!

The truth is, he probably will not even buy chocolates for me…sigh…we are but friends!....

Go ahead, have a good laugh at the expense of me!