Am but an actress, the world but a stageplay

Momma's Trail....I received a SMS

2006-05-03T17:02:00.000-07:00

AT 7am, my mobile phone beep.....

She finally gave birth at 4.30am. She is the proud mother of a healthy baby girl!

I am sooooooooooo happy for her!!!

Momma's Trail...continues

2006-05-03T16:57:00.000-07:00

I have started feeling contractions today. It’s like period pain, but it comes and goes. Pain pain pain pain pain pain….. Then it fades away and relieeeefffffff…………… then pain pain pain.. and the trend continues. It has stopped now, I hope it doesn’t come back. I have 19 days more to my due date. I thought it wasn’t supposed to start so early. And I’ve heard so many stories of people …. Oh dear it’s coming back ………………………………………………………………………. Ok, gone now. I haven’t gotten my period for so long that I’ve nearly forgotten how period pain feels like. Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, stories about people turning up at the hospital with false alarm pains. And they’re sent home. But I can’t help thinking, okay, what if I’m a special case and I get the ‘real thing’ 2 weeks in advance? Would I still sit around typing in the office controlling the pain, telling myself “It’s a false alarm, it’s a false alarm”….. and only start to panic when my water bag bursts right here. Gosh, that will be a bad sight.

Anyhow, I started to feel a bit nervous this morning, when the pain started. I was thinking of the pain of delivery. I mean, that is probably the most painful thing I’m going to endure in my entire life. That’s really pretty scary. And the best part is that I’ve always prided in the fact that I’ve got high pain threshold. I don’t roll in pain during my periods (or maybe I’m just one of those lucky ones…) and I’m okay with eyebrow threading! I always tell myself when the threading lady goes on with her work…. “If you can’t endure this, how are you going to go through labour?” So basically, I thought I was ‘preparing’ myself for future pains. Only time will tell….

One person

2006-04-16T03:38:00.000-07:00

I have this sudden craving....to just meet this one person. Can't quite put my fingers as to what I am actually rambling about...but there is this one person whom I have been longing to meet.

Hope to meet one day really soon (maybe not real soon lar...coz my hair is short and unmanageable plus I am tan from Bali).

It would be interesting to read this person's mind and see if it surpasses my expectation. Would be great if this person can pull some tricks out of the magic hat. I have not met a deserving enough companion for the longest time!

Going to be a girl!

2006-04-16T03:35:00.000-07:00

I just have this queer feeling...almost a certainty that she will be giving birth to a baby girl...despite her insistence on keeping it a surprise.

I spoke to another friend, she said it is just a feeling that she got that it will be a girl...

To find out soon...terribly excited..dunno why i m so excited...guess that is just me!

Purpose as I see it….

2006-04-14T22:37:00.000-07:00

Everyone search for that one reason why we continue to strive to live. Some people find it, others don’t. If you find your reason, you go on living with a bright smile, absorbing the yang of the sunshine. And if under any circumstances, you don’t…..you live life like a zombie…sometimes happy, sometimes moving…but most times unfeeling in the dark.

Which explains why we are obsessed finding “the purpose in life”. Honestly, I think it is commercial bullshit. There is no one purpose in life. There is however, one purpose at every stage of ones life.

For example, my life thus far is broken down to toddler-hood (life purpose: bully dG, watch monster cookie and wait for breadman to buy butter-cup-cake), teenage-hood (life purpose: skip classes but score as many As, staying in top 10, strive on being rebellious and meeting NKOTB), 20-something (life purpose: pass with flying colors in uni, paving the way to a high-flying career), Adulthood-late-20-something (life purpose: dunno……..still searching)……

That is…..until I chanced upon an old man in a makeshift mamak store last Saturday. There he sat crossed-leg, slurping a bottle of coke, unshaven white beard, tan skin, poetically scrawny. There he was, squinting to read cut out excerpts of Chinese newspaper (of which he carefully removes from a pile of other neatly folded excerpts in a pink plastic bag). It was so heartbreakingly lonely that even thinking of it moves me to tears.

And there I was, sitting beside him…opposite my dad. Despite the silence between my dad and I, it was a comforting silence. When you love someone, the caressing silence will comfort you….and when you find it, you found another missing piece of puzzle in your life. It is a real treasure, to be sitting opposite my dad, eating satay. And as simple as that….it felt fulfilling. Sometimes, we forget what a joy it is to silently relish a meal with people you treasure….this is my nucleus. My lifeline. And peace transcend. So I ask…what purpose is there to search when I have everything right here?.........

A momma's trail

2006-04-13T20:03:00.000-07:00

I had an idea...why not share the little details of one pregnant lady?

So, i persuaded a dear friend to share with us...her experience...and i had no intention of this being her only post. From time to time...should she have experiences to share or should she like to share her innermost thought...you will see her on my post...called A momma's trail....

I’ve been pregnant for nearly 8 months.

The first three months were a torture. I can still remember the waves of nausea which hit me in the day and night. What morning sickness?? It lasts the entire day! I remember cursing the tamil movies that I have watched which always shows the woman vomiting in the morning, then she feels faint and then an old lady comes and presses her wrist to feel her pulse and announces shyly, “She’s going to become a mother” or “Congratulations Mr. So-and-so, you’re going to be a dad!”

My case was classic. I missed my period. I felt nausea. My husband and I went to a clinic near our house. The husband quickly gives the doctor details of our wedding date, etc etc, which the doc was clearly not interested in. Doc passes me an empty specimen bottle and told me to bring him a sample of my urine… So off I go and pee into the bottle (I’m quite an expert in this…. You must always let the first stream go and collect at mid-stream). When I come back into the room, Doc was interviewing hubby about his job. I hand over bottle. I can’t remember what he did, but he handed me a plastic pen-look-alike kind of thing and said “See how many lines are there.. If there is only one line, you’re not pregnant.” I pushed the flap and revealed 2 red lines and I told him, “There are two lines.” He was writing something, and had no expression on his face and when he finally looked up, I had my eyebrows arched upward questioning him. And he says “It’s not one line right? So you’re pregnant.” And quickly added in a disappointed sort of way, “It’s quite fast.” Like hello? What can I do if we are both so damn fertile? And what’s your problem anyway? I thought doctors were supposed to say congratulations or something equivalent at this point. Which he didn’t.

So we left the clinic and got into the car. Then I started crying because everything was happening so fast. I just got married a month ago. Got a new job. Moved to a new place. And now I’m pregnant? My husband was worried and kept saying, “We’ll do this together.” This was my very first response to my pregnancy, “I’m still a kid, how am I going to have a baby?” Well, not literally, I was 26 and have had a month of sex, that definitely disqualifies me from the kid realm. But that’s exactly how I felt.

And the rest is history. A summary of the first three months is TORTURE. It was horrible. I vomited only like twice throughout the period, but nausea is worse than vomiting, I tell you.

Months four to seven was okay. I mean I put on like 10 kgs. I couldn’t fit nearly all my regular clothes. But I felt better internally. I was getting bigger, but I guess I probably had accepted the reality of it and it was okay. At the back of my mind, these words always ring, “Don’t worry, this is temporary, you will get back in shape.” I was eating better, though I had two bouts of food poisoning during this period. The first time was because I ate old curry from the fridge, which I always have been doing. My tummy is pretty strong, and the curry was still good! But I suffered immensely. The second time was because of asam laksa from a food court. This was worse than attack number one. I had to get my husband to stop the car to puke by the roadside on the way to the gynae clinic (which was 45 minutes away).

They say time flies. And it certainly has. Right now, I’m 5 weeks away from my due date. This is the final lap. I am getting increasingly exhausted day after day. In fact, I can’t chatter as much as I used to without having to stop to take deep breaths. When I’m on the phone talking, the other person asks, “Did you just run up the stairs?” although I’ve been sitting the whole time. I’ve got so many things to buy in preparation for the baby’s arrival. The anxiety of childbirth has kicked in. Will I be able to get through the final hurdle? The whole process of getting a 2+ kg baby out of my insides? It’s definitely going to be mighty painful. But to be truthful, I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over. I’m just so tired of being fat and of having nothing to wear.

And finally, heartburn. Gosh, I don’t know which is worse, nausea or heartburn? Heartburn is a burning sensation starting at the top of the tummy and comes right up to the throat. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep. You can just lie down, and tears will trickle down and wet your pillow. And when your husband asks you what’s wrong, you can’t reply, you can’t explain, you just mumble a ‘nothing’ and turn the other way. Sometimes, pregnancy makes you feel so so alone. I have the most loving and supportive husband, but at certain times in our lives, like during our birth and death, and now I officially include pregnancy too, the experience is yours and yours alone and can never be shared.

C'est la vie

2006-01-01T12:34:00.000-08:00

Paris was a dream.........

When she thought all was lost

2005-12-11T16:53:00.000-08:00

My friend told me once she envied my sense of fleeting freedom and self-confidence...now that I am no longer encumbered by worry analysing his every move and gesture and word. I seem happier.

I guess she is right to a certain extent. I am glad I got certain issues over and done with. But that does not mean that I don’t envy friends who at the mere mention of that special someone will blush prettily and launch into a long description of what a sweetheart he is. I did not forget how the sky is bluer, roses vividly red and rainbow abundant when I was in love. How smile lurks around the corner of my lips awaiting to laugh at the mere thought of his wit...no, I did not forget how wonderful it was to fall in love, be it requited or otherwise. The moment when I was totally smitten by the name of a mere boy will forever remain mine. And I miss those moment when I had a far-out look, hands resting on my chin, dreaming about that one boy.

For some, it seems so easy to fall in love. For me....stubbornly holding onto the belief that one fine day, I will be reunited with the only guy who completes me. Albeit being happy in life, I can’t help but feel that there is a missing piece of puzzle in my life.......

The wedding dress

2005-12-11T16:52:00.000-08:00

I am sure it is every mother’s proud moment to showcase her baby..and I am no different. dGurl’s wedding dress was perfect (albeit a wrong stitch here and a wrong hemming there)!

Poignant moments

2005-12-11T16:26:00.000-08:00

After 5 years of courtship, dSaint got hitched today to dGurl. Tiring as you would imagine, it was awesome! I was the designated makeup artist......a heavy responsibility to shoulder if you ask me. One wrong stroke of blusher on her cheek would render the marriage a circus affair. Thanks the saint she is but a simple girl and expect simple means. Our photographer concedes that dGurl is a picture of poise, elegance and perfection. Although I loath to have her read this and gloat IN my face, the truth is she essentially made the whole affair young, less cumbersome and totally FUN.....laughter became the common denominator, friends and family were dressed to the nines and moods were buoyant. One word: Bliss!

And with the placing of dGurl’s hand on dSaint’s hand, dGurl’s father passes on the responsibility of taking care of her to her soulmate, dSaint. From this day forward, she is his to cherish, love and argue and lament to and about and hold for life.

By merging the light of two separate candles, dSaint and dGurl pledge to uphold the institution called marriage. Marching out of the church, they were pronounced husband and wife.

And here I sit and marveled over the events of the weekend:

(1) The tea ceremony, church solemnisation of the marriage and the wedding dinner was perfect because imperfections were brushed off with a lot of good natured laughter

(2) I, who saw dGurl grew up, have known her all her life, can not be happier for her choice of mate.

(3) To call dSaint my brother cousin, I can not ask for more.

(4) And sadly, this also symbolises another phase in her life....as she drift further away from single-hood carefree-ness to motherly bliss (a bit fast forward but it will happen eventually).*

(5) And like every marriage, I am left with a bittersweet aftertaste...quite like a semi-rip pineapple wedge....

* In that one second, my memory conjured pictures taken in Genting when she was barely two and I barely five, each in the loving arms of our grandparents. I remember her as my first playmate, playing in my grandma’s carpark.....chasing each other on tricycle while I wait to buy a cupcake from the bread vendor. Being young and the eldest, naturally I would bully her, coercing her to watch cookie monster and not understanding why she would fear a blue monster who obviously love to eat cookies. And then we grow into teenage-hood. Relationships were the core of most of our conversation despite us drifting apart as our priority changes. Cookie monster and cupcakes no longer appeal. I took to studying while she took to boys. And yet, bloodties goes a long way and we grew to adulthood. To be united by nothing more than simple session in mamak. And just like that, we become more than playmates, we become family.

Not forgetting are certain memory snapshots from this lovely wedding.

Like how four cars made a grand city tour, honking loudly to grandly announce the impeding arrival of the couple. Romeo deciding that a long loud honk is terribly cliché, decided on a techno honking method. That had everyone in stitches, me especially.

Like how stunning dGurl looked marching into the church to the beat of the wedding march.

Like how dGurl’s hands clasped securely in dSaint’s as they turn facing a sea of wellwishers as the pastor pronounced them husband and wife.

Like how horrific I was when I realise I really did made her look somewhat like a clown during the wedding dinner. Quickly escaping to the toilet, I tried in vain diminish two pink circles around her cheek....

Like how we were enlighten on the topic of roast pig being a purchase consideration for the bride’s virginity.

Like how we all had a couple of drinks, chilling at our favourite spot....pouring over the issue of moon.

Like how happy they looked, fittingly so, eating nasi lemak at one in the morning of what was supposedly their wedding night.

Christmas is here

2005-12-11T16:18:00.000-08:00

I was doing a bit of window shopping when it suddenly dawned to me that it is Christmas yet again!!! Always a lovely time to let your hair down and party away the month, I am fortunate enough to be able to spend this particular Christmas with my friends in France, alongside their extended family! Ohhhh….My excitement is almost uncontainable!

The overall temperature even conspires to give us cool evenings to enjoy the fixtures that are aplenty in shopping malls. This year around, Mid Valley management decided on a White Christmas surreal surrounding. Although I would love to go tengok tengok, my rather tight schedule forbids....hence, I will just take the papers words for it: magical.

But I can bet my butt (although not of much value) that Paris is going to be a fairytale playground. A tale I longed to live, where Christmas decorations coupled with Christmas carols evoke a sense of romantic bourgeois. To see the sky sprinkled with a million tiny twinkling bulbs....surreal

Confrontation

2005-12-08T18:07:00.000-08:00

There was a ripple in my friend’s calm water....naturally it is not difficult to single out the cause: for a girl, it is always either a man or the extra two pounds I saw on the weighing scale this morning! Unfortunately for her, it was the first cause that buggered. For if it was the latter, there is a clear solution: hit the gym and no nasi lemak for the next one week......

The story is a classic: She has always had a crush for this young man, back when she was barely ten. Circumstances and education parted this friendship for many years to come. After many sea crossings, a chanced meeting in a foreign country seem like a sign from the Divine. It made her think that perhaps fate and cupid has finally intervene to bring her the other half, allowing her to complete a curve to a full circle. Naturally, she fell fast and not lightly too. Who could blame her? I think out of ten girls, ten girls will be able to empathize with her.

And.....De javu. I was transported back to a time when not knowing was creating havoc in my world of calm waters. A time when the mere thought of him will make me blush. Hating the fact that he always manage to put a smile on my face with a single message, and somehow craving for those precious few messages.

Alas, things don’t always turn out the way we sometimes want to interpret. As you fall, you want to know if he is returning the favour. You analyse, interpret and re-interpret all his moves, gestures, words, sentences and even intonation! This constant battle in mind will drive you to pull all your hair off your scalp....and when you are left with no choice, you will have to do a confrontation.

Two note worthy advise from my experience:

(1) Oh sumi, maybe if I didn’t say this or do that, he would like me?
Advise: Even if you spill ketchup all over your dress, if the guy likes you...he will like you, packaging and whole.

(2) Oh, maybe this friendship is too precious and he does not want to lose it, which is why he is not making any explicit moves?
Advise: If a guy likes you, he will move both hill and mountain to not only make you see his finer points but also to sacrifice the friendship

And then the confrontation. She asked. And you know the answer....(and if you don’t, go back to the first word of this blog entry and read again!)

Mr M told me on more than one account that there are many ways to skin a cat....sometimes the best method is to do so with a lot of gentleness...a less of a shocker so to speak. Although i hear the logic in such advise, i decided to disagree to such a method. For example, if you say something gently vague, you might not get an answer and then you will be back to square one. On the other hand, if your question was a simple: I happen to like you and it would be a great help to my sanity if i know whether you return the favour or otherwise. A simple answer gives less room for the guys to manuveur himself out whilst managing to keep you hanging by a thin line.

Confrontations are very very difficult. Takes a lot of courage and deserves to be applauded. If there is any compensation to your pain, I would say that many days from now, you will feel a sense of freedom, a flight that was granted because you have the answer...in fact, it have been a rather liberating experience for me.

A child....

2005-11-20T18:29:00.000-08:00

Of my own. I was twenty five then. A guy friend proclaimed that he adores children. When he quipped: “Don’t you love children too?”....he was expecting an enthusiastic YES answer from me. I was so taken aback that it took me a while to answer hesitantly with a: “er...I guess so”.

Last week as I walked beside my colleague, we wondered if another colleague of ours ever regretted not having children since she has past the age of conceiving naturally. Being self-centered beings as we are, the question invariably came back to ourselves. She said with a lot of conviction that she will definitely have children of her own. It is acknowledged that the motherly instinct in us is innate. I thought and thought and thought.....do I want to be a mother after all?

After mulling over it for almost forty eight hours, i was surprised when i finally came to the conclusion that yes, i think i really would love to have a child of my own. Hmmmm......

Of course there is a great deal of matters to ponder abt. As my teacher once aguishly said: “My wife and I sometimes wonder whether it is worthwhile to bring a child up into this rather cruel world”. I guess he must have thought it worthwhile, because he was a proud father a year later (either that or the condom company will have some very angry customer to deal with!).

At the end of the day, I would love to impart to my child a bit of happiness, a bit of wisdom and a whole lot of love from my large extended family. For my child to experience her (assuming it is a girl) Chinese New Year gathering with her cousins, gambling cards till the wee morning (in the bathroom...because the adults needs to recoup their energy!), camping with her cousins, going to school and make friends who will one fateful day help her thru life, sipping coffee and gossiping abt her love and life with her cousins and one day walk down the aisle to begin the circle of live we are all intertwined on. And what a lovely girl she will be.

Having said that, I don’t think I can say that I am ready to be a mother. As I am still a child myself. But i guess when it really does happen, well...then, I will have no choice but to be a mother! For now, it is great being loose feet.

Settling for second...or maybe not

2005-11-20T18:25:00.000-08:00

There is this girl whom I have known for almost a decade. She has great fashion sense, not to mention a figure to carry it....a bubbly, generous self. With a pretty face and voluptiously gifted figure, there was always a constant string of guys lining her pathway. In college, she fell in love with a quietly stable guy.

Or so she thought.

Seven years later, albeit having problems (like every other bickering couples), they got engaged. After which she found him in a hotel room with another girl. His only defense is: Nothing happened. (if you are a guy reading this, I would like to contend that “nothing happened” means “something happened but you shall be kept from the truth because it is for your own good”). In any case, considering all the loving and some bickering that they had encountered together, she gave him another chance. A trust as such, which is already fragile, was crushed once again by the same quietly stable guy she thought he was. Again, she found him in a hotel room with the same girl. At this juncture, I don’t think any sort of excuse will work. Even if he was telling the truth...there is almost zilch of a chance that she will reconcile.

And so, she (who held fast the hands of a quietly stable guy for a journey of seven years) found herself at the bridge alone. Waiting for another man to hold her hand and cross the bridge together. And miraculously, she found that someone (or more accurately put, her family did the searching.

What saddens me is to know that she no longer trust her own judgment in men. To lose a sense of certainty is a lonelier self.

In any case, this new guy is really quiet charming. Not terribly good looking (not in any way implying that the quietly stable guy is anymore good looking!), he compensates by being well traveled, well learnt and more importantly humbly witty! And so, the girlfriends approve on this witty new guy.

Oh ... it is my reverent hope that she finds happiness in the arms of this new guy. I don’t think that we find happiness in another being. I am a firm believer that happiness can only exude from oneself. However, I do believe a soul mate should complete you and appease your wandering self, settling into a cloud of peacefulness. But that is just me.

In the case of my girlfriend, I feel that she can only be happy with a man on her side. And then again she was made to walk beside a man. Why else would God made her pretty if not to warrant a man who will appreciate and treasure her beauty as a gift from God?

It is time for me to get another saree.....lets hope there will be wedding bells in the near future.

Why me…..

2005-11-20T17:24:00.000-08:00

Why me?! Why not he or she or they? Why me? What have I done so sinful that I am cursed with an incurable sickness?

This would be the shrieking questions a patient would normally ask. When a patient is diagnosed with an incurable disease, they question the logic behind it. Was it a consequence of a string of actions that they have done so sinful that the repercussion is death? Was it God playing its little cruel game?

And then you feel like God have cheated you out of a fulfilling life. You vent your anger.

And then you seek a cure. Desperate to be alive, desperate not to cross to the other unknown side of the world, you seek solace in modern medicine. When that fails, you turn to the orthodox and sometimes the unorthodox religion. Either way, you fight to stay in this comfort zone, here on earth.

And then you grow cold inside. What awaits me after death? Simply because we do not know what the other side of the world looks like...we fight death.

Alas, Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black succinctly surmised: There are only two certainties in life, death and taxes!

It is true then, the minute we are born, we count the minutes away from our own demise. Yet, death is a subject many ppl find a taboo. I hate to imagine life without my parents and other family members. But i sometimes think the fear has somehow prepared me for the inevitable. It will happen as surely as the sun will rise from the east and set in the west.

And like that Endon passed away. And my train of thoughts invariably tried to come up with links to the conspiracy theory behind her lost battle against breast cancer. My hypothesis: The cosmic logic of the world willed it so. She was the sacrifice of a greater good. With such a famous public figure demised of cancer, the country’s attention was soon drawn to aid for cancer patient. In lighting speed, we see government passing resolutions to enhance cancer patient’s treatment. Conclusion: Every death is sad. Every death is sudden. Every death is another birth...in this case, she did not go in vain. It was for the betterment of her people.

At the end of the day, if you reflect upon your life...you need to understand that you are linked to the world...in a cobweb of good deeds.

And good deeds goes way beyond your life...it lingers in the souls of many.

Boring day...or so i thought

2005-10-25T01:19:00.000-07:00

The uncanny thing about going to gym is the feeling of procrastination that starts to nag at say 5.30pm or so. But when my forever flagging determination does win over my sense of procrastination…..I feel good thirty minutes into the workout!

So I had to practically crawl to the spinning room…..and crawled back to the shower after having spent all my energy trying to climb an imaginary mountain! Hahah…my colleague noted that it is ridicules to attend spinning classes. I retorted amicably: However silly it looks, at least I don’t have to inhale carbon monoxide emitting from a twenty year old taxi whilst trying in vain to keep my butt from sagging!

Then, I rushed home to catch my favourite Korean soap opera of sort …. As pathetic as it seem, I love mushy stuff ….blimey!

And as I watched, I witnessed a simple yet fairly cliché unrevealing of what it means to be loved and be in love…

In the course of courtship, the heroine asked many silly questions, where upon the hero replied in a patiently patronizing manner (which translate hilariously to the last bit).

Set against a romantic backdrop of candles, wine, sunset and soft white sand…..she posed questions like: “If you were stranded on an island, what are the three essentials you need?” …to which he quipped: “hmmm…notebook, cellphone and financial reports”….to a frustrated fiancé who expected his to serenade something more romantic like: “only your love”….hahaha

Not giving up, she asked: As long as you could remember, when was your happiest moment?...He turn around, gave her his award-winning-I-adore-you intense look and serenade: “This very moment. Sitting here in your presence”…

And my heart sighed…in this world, surrounded by all sorts of complication…that was a glimpse of what a moment of bliss represents. When she smiled at him. A woman’s confidence, knowing her worth in a man who is worthy enough to be loved by her.

And just like that, it became a perfect day.

A prequel ...

2005-10-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

What a lovely wedding

Sumi got herself hooked to matrimonial vows….She was vibrant….Venu was tearing, albeit happily so…her in-laws seem to get the impression that she is an angel, bringing both good fortune and happiness to venu and family’s life. I can’t fault them….perhaps she is not perfect….but I would vouch any day for her sublimely serene character…for if not, she would not be on such high esteem on my scale of friends.

Like every other bride, she was prettily “made up”….the wedding decoration were elaborate…..reminds me of a renaissance era where the gilded is the vogue…and at yet, tastefully done. When Venu saw Sumi walking into the wedding hall with her entourage of family members, I saw him silently tear.

Aud once told me that Sangee is such a lucky girl because her husband adores her so….Sumi told me that Aud is so lucky because you can see the love in her husband’s eyes when they look at each other….I told Siva that Sumi is so lucky because Venu love her so….in the one silent tear that says it all.

And with every wedding that I attend, the hurdle standard for the “special one” rise a few centimeters or so.

Amongst many well wishers and prayer for a happy and fruitful live, I silent gave a prayer of mine…be happy. Be blissful, envious to the world to see, happy couple. May the Gods and deities protect your little world and retain the innocence that is so uniquely yours…

A momento (in my preferred order) :-

Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead
Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend – Albert Camus.

A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together.
It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences – Dave Meurer

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth,
the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you, the world is transformed – J. Krishnamurti

mmmmmmm..........

2005-09-22T04:52:00.000-07:00

Finally, an opportunity to come back to blogging. Been terribly busy with work...until blogging beckons yet again. In another ten weeks or so, d_gurl gets married. For real!! Wow!!! Truly amazing how fast time passes us by isn't it?

Sumi got married. Was a lovely lovely lavender wedding.....the bridegroom cried, for pete's sake!!! Must he cry?!!!! Not once but twice...darn it...as it is, it is hard enough to find a lovely chap who will even consider marriage...but to find one whom am so grateful to have a girl to call his very own, well...that is beyond this lifetime of my!

And Sumi sang! Oh my goodness....when she sang...even if he did not sob (which he did!!), I would have. If you saw the genuinity and love in her God-given voice, you can not but be humbled by the beauty of it all!.....The whole night of glitter and sparkling wine, I only rememberd how blown away I was. To hear her sing. I have known Sumi for almost a decade and this is the first time I ever heard her sing! And how apt, to hear her serenade to her lover, her best friend, her saviour, her husband to obey and forgive and her one true soul-mate.

That night, S and I left...feeling profoundly lonely...mitigated by the fact that S felt the same...comforted by the knowledge that tomorrow, the sun will rise from the east and set onto the west of this stage we call our world!

As sure enough, life truly does move on. And Matta fair came. And I finally bough my ticket to Paris.

Yup!!! This is it. Another 12 weeks...and I will be breathing in the crisp cold air of Paris. Celebrating Christmas with my friend and her French family. Finally reuniting with my decade year old French penpal.

You have no idea how excited I am. You have no idea what Paris represents, to me...come to think of it, maybe you do have an idea.....I talk so much about it...argh!!!!!!! 12 weeks feels very very long!!!!!!!

Paris....paris ....paris.....

Paris..

2005-07-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

So..I am going to Paris...(what else is new right?!! I have been bragging about this like forever...to the point i feel like a smug bitch...which does not really sit well with my personality)

I dreamt of it last night...I am so excited. I even bought a pink trenchcoat from Mango...and it is in PINK! The trenchcoat would fit Parisian walks any day. My father saw it and exclaimed: "For Paris ah?"...

Chanced chatting

2005-06-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

A gorgeous Sunday morning it would have been, had I not have to wake up at an ngodly hour to attend work-related course. And when I said ungodly, it means a nine o’clock morning course…..(I can almost see you cringe)…ON A SUNDAY

Anyway, I made it to the auditorium miraculously on the dot of nine. As I search for familiar faces in the rather daunting hall, my cell alerted me that there is an incoming message…..(drums rolling pls….here comes the interesting bits).

HE….he messaged me! HE is HERE..

And I tell you, the usual heart-fluttering, adrenaline pumping roller coaster emotion is ever present. And I thought I will never be affected so again. Who was I kidding? You and I both… and just like old times, HE always put a smile on my face….always…always…always…

Calling him was probably not a good idea, but I did it anyway…well, I was just trying to be friendly remember? Unfortunately, he did not pick up his cell….and I decided to give up after one try…anyway, I am here on a course..not to court guys…I am sure learnings about relative valuations are more important than trying to hear his voice….right?

After much analysis, my friends and I decided that our chance of dozing off without being notice on the right wing is higher. So, we swagger over to the right...and as we were deciding on the best seats to plonk our butt on (of course based on feng shui analysis), he called. I was marginally (and I do mean it, marginally….pls differentiate marginally from overwhelmingly) happy. He said that he saw me, and naturally I searched for his much missed familiar face. And alas, there he was. Two rows away from where I sat…..sigh, feng shui to be either praised or blame (depending on which side of the coin you are arguing for or against). On one hand, I was thrilled to see him. On the other hand, seeing him brings back pleasure and pain and rejection and embarrassment.

Throughout the course, I was utterly conscious of the fact that he is right behind me. Obviously that this point, relative valuations means as much as a mote floating with a billion other identical dust particals in an indifferent shaft of light i.e. I didn’t give a shit!

As queer as it may sound to you, I ask this ultimate question. What are the odds that I chanced upon him, when I could have gracefully blended in with the other four hundred participants and never knew his exact coordinate?

Aiyah, I tell you..the sheer audacity of “fates” hand is well, laugable. Yun fan again showed its hand…a royal flush this time.

Co-incidental chance is the accidental meet that puts a smile on your face. The building bloack that makes life a mystery to mankind.

Chance: relationship could only be defined by what you want it to be…What role will he play in my stage? Friends. Yun fan predetermined this…in the end, I admit…yun fan has the upper hand.

In this life, you will be my friend. You will always make me happy, answer my inquisition on the ways of the world, and I could teach you to be a little bit less jaded and we can always look forward to witty dinner conversation.

At the end of a long road, itsn’ that happiness? A friend, good conversation, companionship and a fuller life because suddenly, you have another friend.

Me me me

2005-06-23T17:01:00.000-07:00

Been missing....been terribly busy playing catching up with TIME and age of course...

My birthday came and went. It was fun because people whom I didn't realize remember my birthday called for happy wishes...people whom I thought would call, well...didn't quite call. But more importantly, all my cousins called. My family members celebrated my birthday for me. And my colleagues surprised me with a birthday cake. They sung too....but they were all so tone deaf....it sucks! But I still love them.

And...now....I am off to do my bi-annual soul-searching trip away from bustling KL. I am going to Redang this weekend....will come back...rejuvenated, tan and full of stories to tell. And i need to devour as many books as possible. Been deprived of books lately!!!!...can't wait to feast my eyes on them!

Singapura oh! Singapura…

2005-02-28T16:36:00.002-08:00

Was down in Singapore for Norah Jones’ concert. Trip was fantastic, my companion amazing, Norah was blown away, shopping could not been better….I met another guy. I was happy, about the trip.

Shopping was made awesome thanks to Isabel

First day at work

2005-02-28T16:35:00.000-08:00

After all the thanksgiving fun, it was rather hard to get the biological clock to start operations at 6am! Yet, it has to be done. It was my first day at work! For this year of the Rooster.

Last night I spoke to a friend, lamenting on the fact that we have yet to receive our bonus. Rather sad….considering the fact that everyone needed the additional cash to make Chinese New Year a little bit more auspicious that what the Rooster can offer! Yet, our mother hen decided to pay naught a single sen yet!!!

After ten days of zzzzz, more zzzz and a lot of partying with friends and relatives, it is rather hard to swallow the fact that I shall be going back to the grind today! For an impulsive moment, I wanted to send an sms to darling boss and say that I want to quit! I want to quit working and bum around. Realistically, that will probably be blissful for a few weeks before I drive myself crazy with idleness!

In I walk at 7.15am…saw my colleague….greeted her “gong hei fatt choy”…laughed ….saw another colleague…waved and smiled and greeted…and continued smiling the whole morning! A bloody wonderful start to a I-get-the-feeling wonderful new year! At 7.15am, I am back to my bubbly self again! And DAMN, it felt good to be back at work!!!

And the good news kept coming.

Apparently, I came back in time for a Chinese New Year luncheon at Mandarin Oriental.

Bonus will be out real soon!!!!! MUAHAHHAHAHAH….this bloody hell makes me happy. UK is so bloody near now!

Darling boss gave me an ang pow….FULL STOP! I shall not elaborate more than to say that it was hefty.

Met friends for lunch. Bloody good to have seen them again! Miss my friends in this industry all together! Found myself warming up to a friend whom I once thought was a stuck up bastard. Now, I feel that the friendship is building in tiny particles…but what the heck, at least it is building right?

MrM called …. Arranging for our trip to Singapore next week!! YIPPIE!!!

Damn it! Today has been perfect to the tee!

Hokkien clan

2005-02-28T16:26:00.000-08:00

Feb 16 2005….Hokkien clan rule this day! Kepong put the whole city to shame with such an extravagant display of fireworks…..it was the Birthday of God of Heaven. To most Hokkien descendents, this day of thanksgivings is the crux of Chinese New Year, overwhelming the importance of first lunar day of the Chinese calendar i.e. first day of Chinese New Year!

Happy Birthday God of Heaven!

If any of you have never experience this ceremony either in Kepong or Klang, I beg of you…..go and make some new friends who are specifically Kepong Hokkiens or Klang Hokkiens. If they are not, dump them and find someone who is of this identity! Also, specifically mention that you WANT to be invited to their open house during the next thanksgiving! Trust me when I say that it is a rather worthwhile experience to say the least!

Enough said. Next year, pls call me for an experience of a life time!

Picture-lobster perfect

2005-02-20T22:36:00.000-08:00

15 Feb: my father’s birthday….every year this time, we go out for a family dinner, or so it seems. This year is no different. I, a creature who finds comfort in rountine mundaness, finds such a ritual somewhat comforting. It is a dinner I look forward to every year.

My father: a scrawny boy who grew to love architecture but ended up being a banker. A man who fell in love with a girl in university, romanced the city of Penang with her on his scooter….who later started a life together as husband and wife on Christmas day.

Who built a family of three and contend coming home to his wife and daughter every other ordinary work day. I have always thought he was the perfect father and husband (and despite the fact that he is coined a divorced now, I still reckon he is the best man). He does not smoke, nor does he drink and he has a passion for wind-surfing and golfing. My cousins always say he is a rather cool dad and I could not be prouder.

He was a father who loved his darling daughter (that would be ME! hehehhe). And like every other little girl who were doted by their father, I would not change my father for the world. He was indeed the best God could have offered me.

My father, a man of few words, taught me invaluable lessons in life….he always say: Don’t say you can’t until you have tried. And never sigh…for you are too young to sigh. (and guess what, I never sighed much in life because there is so much more to laugh in life than to sigh)

This year we had dinner at lobsterman. Food was not a gastronomical delight. However, it was more than palatable. More importantly, my father had a good time relishing the lobster. As food was served, we were surprised with a Polaroid photo family shot, courtesy of lobsterman.

My father rested his one hand on my shoulder. I recalled other such precious moments. There was once when I was way to young and we were holidaying in Cameron, I hugged him from behind and we took a happy photo together. Just him and I. And there was another instance in Langkawi, we captured another perfect picture. And yet another instance when we first visited Australia and my dad and I took another cheekily cute photo together. I miss hugging my father. Inhibition is such that we need to find excuses to hug our fathers as we grow up. An inhibition that does not serve much of a purpose, if you ask me.

My father rested his other hand on my mom’s shoulder. For that one split second, I felt genuine happiness.

Snap. A moment frozen in time. I smiled, my parents smiled. The picture came out just FAMILY PURFECT!!

* if only life can be picture perfect, we would all be smiling as if the world is the most beautiful place to live…and although it is not, we can all strive to make this world a perfect place, teleois*

Vanilla ice cream over chocolate brownie

2005-02-20T22:35:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine Day! This day arrive yet again. The loneliness have never been more acute. Twenty five winters past without a bother. Why then does it bothers me so this time around?

What puzzles me most is this sudden shift in my life paradigm. I feel that the script have been re-written and I am having a hard time playing my new role..i.e. mad, nonsensical girl in love. To many girls, this character is probably the easiest to play. Ask me to secure a much coveted job and I will rise to the challenge. Ask me to confess my feelings for a mere bloke and I shun from such a challenge. Searching deep inside me, a question arise: could it be that I am feeling somewhat insecure? Do I secretly think that I am “un-lovable”? Or is it just a question of ego and pride…for a girl who has never failed at anything (and I mean anything!!), rejection is probably what I fear most. So, it boils down to a question of facing my fear of rejection. Perhaps I shall let the inquisitive “want to know if he likes me” side of me rest a little…been a rather long journey.

Valentines…as usual, an over-rated celebrated day. But as usual, I managed to pull off a rather satisfying day. Got meself a lovely crystal bracelet from me cousin today. It was after all Valentines day! She all but shouted “Happy Valentines Day” into my ears! This is my Christmas present, which is long overdue. Anyhow, she got me a “love” pink crystal bracelet from Lilian Too’s World of Feng Shui outlet in Mid Valley. What touches my soul most is the fact that not only did she get me a “love” crystal but also presented it to me on the one day out of three hundred and sixty five days that I needed the magic touch of the supernatural.

Guess with all the prediction of finding mr right and bracelet, Lilian Too better be right!!

Mid Valley was visited by many couples, making it a living hell for singleton…..but it is also a fun place for singleton to come out and have some good old fun tonight.

I had dinner with French girl. Not only did I get a present today, I was also treated to a yummy meal at Chillis.

Conducive conversation, some fashion talk, some dreams about Paris and laughter made dinner a perfect Valentines day.

Vanilla ice cream over warm chocolate brownie, that is how we both like our desert.

Tjantek

2005-02-13T05:11:00.000-08:00

A darling café! It is smack right in the middle of quintessential colonial shop lots along Jln Teluk Sisek, Kuantan city…in my personal opinion, everything bodes well for Tjantek in creating its rather unique ambience. Is it an exaggeration should I say that Tjantek really does come alive characteristically well in the evenings?

Its culinary choices are nothing to shout about. The only drink I probably recommend would be salted honey lime juice…..more or less like a concoction of “air limau ais” and wild honey juice.

Music is commendable. I have always had a liking for jazzy love ballads. Amongst many such soulful voices they had in their collection would include Jacintha. I thought they had a spectacular array of cd collections and interior design magazines.

Tjantek and I go a long way back. We had a history – not always rose pretty and yet not always sad and we emerged rather prettily well and we are both such darlings to the world, proud to flaunt the cracks on the walls and the rustic feel of historical events that sculpted us. No attempts to cover the nail markings on the wall, confident someone will appreciate the markings and our outfit makes you want to return because it has a comfortable soulness.

Many years ago, on a fateful Chinese New Year day, our family of over thirty people had a major eruption of anger that involved all the adults and three dogs! Us, being non-confrontatial, figured it was time for a smoke at Tjantek. And we bitched about the bore of an uncle and his family. We left feeling much better…more civilized….wiser….relaxed.

And then there was another Chinese New Year. This time I publicly cried in front of many Kuantan-ites because I was gently let down, informed that my parents are on the verge of a breakup. Instinctively, I knew it all along. Being non-confrontational, I was also scared to admit the obvious. My grieve was hard to handle. My tears were uncontainable. Yet, the support of my dear cousins, whom are the world to me, calmed my strung nerves. The sweetest thing that a congregate of cousins can do for you would be to shock you out of your depression by turning the tables around and revealing that you are the last standing virgin in this Round Table of Cousinhood! Shocker I tell you! And they managed to shift the loss of a family to the un-loss virginity of yours truly! Wonderful angels they are.

This year we came. I asked a question: What is love? I can’t qualify an answer. Gurl-you-love gave me her version: Do you want to call him all the time? Do you think of him all the time? Do you try to incorporate every conversation with a mention of him? Do you smile when you even remotely think of him? * nods to all those posed question* Then, that is what love is all about.

I come back to you every year and every year I go home loving you just a bit more, Tjantek

Dim lightings, interesting impressionist masterpieces by not-so-famous painters, pathetic effort in service, merely palatable food but your soul is what keeps me coming back for more comfort.

Adidas pink hattie

2005-02-13T05:09:00.000-08:00

I had lunch with MrSoulmate on a faithful weekend. In walk a pink clad toddler, complete with an Adidas pink hattie. She was baby-fair, wide eyed and oh-so-cute. Adorned in that pink Adidas hattie, I all but exclaimed: “She is so cute” over and over again! When she removed her hattie, she didn’t look quite as cute….it is true when people say that cloths maketh a man (woman or child).

I can’t wait to dress my goddaughter in pink!!!!

As she left the restaurant, MrSoulmate said: I wonder what will she say should I ask her to stay back. I retorted: Yeah, she will cry and I will have to pacify her!

Side note: He was such a considerate bloke. He actually refrain from smoking considering the fact that Adidas pink hattie girl was sitted beside us although it was a smoking section.

De-communication

2005-02-13T05:08:00.000-08:00

My mobile phone decided to “kaput” on me last night. Non other to blame but myself. Looks like I shall be spending all my ang pow monies on repairing my mobile phone. Bugger!

However, this predicament left me with a rather peaceful quietness. Unlikely that anyone will call me but it is a darling to actually not be encumbered by communicating outsider! It is fun…for now.

Bitching bridesmaid

2005-02-13T05:05:00.000-08:00

dGurl will wed in December. I am officially the designer for her bridal gown. I am honoured indeed. Looks like my quest for a diploma in fashion designing will not be for naught!......After my June exams, I will start drafting the pattern and the gown should be sewn in a months time. The more time consuming aspect of dGurl’s bridal gown would be the French lace finishing. Not to mention the most expensive!!! French lace!! MrSoulmate asked how was the progress and I launched into finite details about the whole process. I must have bored him to death! *must stop talking abt him, must stop talking abt him*

I digressed. I grew up dreaming of sashaying down the aisle in lilac bridesmaid gown, holding a lovely single stalk of lily preceding dGurl, as she walks down the aisle to place her hands onto dS’s hands forever to hold. Naively I thought I will get to partake in all my cousin’s wedding. However, circumstances shattered such dreams. According to old folklores, I, the oldest amongst all cousinhood, should not remotely even attempt to be a bridesmaid in superstitious fear that I will not get to wed myself! Bollocks if you ask me!

This made me rather angry and not to mention vengeful! Bitchiness overwhelms all logic. A plan to sabotage the chosen bridesmaid is officially in blueprints! Plan B shall be enacted!

The chosen bridesmaid had the audacity to have bought her own gown without the consent nor approval of dGurl. If that does not spell audacity to the tee, I do not know what else does!

So, Plan B. MsCalifornia-cousin (should she attend), gurl-you-love-cousin, Vivayou-cousin and Leleente-meself shall go ahead with our plan to be the bridesmaid of dGurl’s first wedding in the family! We are going to custom make our bridesmaid dresses in shades of purple.......and the evil plan is to take as many photos as possible without the official bridesmaid in it….heheheh….my logic here is that at the end of the day, no one is going to remember the wedding (no pun intended)….but everyone will surely remember gorgeous pictures of an awesome wedding. Years from now, the four awesome cousins shall be known as the prettiest bridesmaid ever! Muahahahahah

Eve

2005-02-13T04:58:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year eve!!! I am excited abt the trip to Kuantan. Ever year without fail, I will dress prettily, sleep throughout the four hour journey or listen to radio bleating out CNY songs….uncontained excitement to reach my destination!

I shall be going home to my grandmother’s house, excited to hear the squeal as relatives run out to greet me. It is a wonderful feeling to come home to some carefully prepared scrumptious reunion dinner – simple food laid out in a makeshift table sitting fifteen people or so.

Life is not perfect and I don’t like everyone in my large extended family. My eldest uncle is a bore. His wife no better. I don’t get along with his children. I am uncomfortable amid my last uncle’s presence. But I will love the noise, my grandma’s solid presence and my auntie’s laid back presence. I will love hiding in the back room - laying down in a double bed, the fan on five and chatting abt nothing and everything with my cousins. Such joy does not come all the time. I cherish every such moment.

Going for solidarity walks by the beach, sorting out my thought …listening to some classic love songs…

Waking up to eat nasi lemak with my cousins….home cooked lunch …..curry puff for tea break……drinks in late evenings with cousins at my all time favourite place, Tjantek. Five days of such bliss is an event not to be missed.

Luck Goddess

2005-02-07T05:52:00.000-08:00

With all the hype abt LilianToo, I can’t help but wonder what all the hype is about. Especially come Chinese New Year when everyone is either writing or talking or reading about ”luck” factor!

Ms Lilian Too, a Harvard graduate and once a CEO of a banking group predicts that I will find true love this year of the Rooster. Apparently, the year of the rooster does not come favourable to the goats……but since I am an earth goat, I am to have a wonderful year in both career and love. I am suppose to meet MrRight. Now,here is the cliche: all it says is meet MrRight…..the fine prints cautions me to the fact that it only says that I will meet, but it did not specifically say that I will be together with MrRight!! Nothing can be more cliche!

To believe is so easy….or is it? Do I believe in Soulmates? In love?

This much I know is true: I do not know what love is.

What is love when the ppl around me are breaking apart? My parents got divorced….my friend’s uncle had an affair….an associate got a divorce three days ago and I found out that his now ex-wife is actually pregnant!! My initial reaction would be to put the blame on the associate (him being the guy and all guys are scums anyway). When I was told that his wife is pregnant, I thought that scumbag piece whom I call associate had an affair outside his marital bed of vows and forgoing all the responsibility of fatherhood and leaving his wife to die in this cruel world without any means of surviving. After discussing it with friends, the logical conclusion showed that my first deduction did not sit well with my associate’s character……he is a loving husband…moreover, he does not come across as a man who would shun his responsibility as a father……..perhaps she could be the one taking the bite at the forbidden fruit.

I should have more faith in him rather then jumping into a generalized conclusion….Which only goes to show that I have really lost all faith in men staying loyal. I am embittered by my father, by all my friend’s boyfriends, associates and so called urban legends!!

Where in God’s name is the logic of love? Will there ever be such a thing as true love till the day I die?

If you love me, will you hold my hand for the next fifty years when we cross the road? If you love me, will you promise to hold my hands for the next fifty years when we suanter amongst night peddlers for our weekly routine of eating at Pasar Malam? If you love me, will you hold me steadfastly as I feel the world come to an end when my family members are called to heaven? If you love me, will you promise not to inflict physical pain on me in the heat of discontentment? If you love me…..will you forever shelter me from passing cars as we cross the road?

Or do all this care and feeling of love passes you by as time passes you by? Would you cry for me for seven years after I am long gone? An old lady once told me she cried for her beloved husband for seven years….and will see him in heaven once her time is up. To love so is a joy…makes the world a lil less bleak.

Chocolate eclairs

2005-02-07T05:27:00.000-08:00

It was a rather hot Saturday evening when my best friend decided to seal her heart to the one man whom is her world, her north pole and her FAITH. My bestfriend got engaged to her soulmate, Venu.

To you both wonderful person, whom I chanced upon, may your friendship and love build a wonderful relationship!

Like every auspicious occasion, almost inevitably nothing goes as planned. Venu was late. 5pm was the best time of the day to exchange vows but rue the day was the rain!

My bestfriend, a model of composure, told him to fret not for this is a special day belonging to them and only them, and whatever the time is, their love is strong enough to transcend superstitious calamity! So, he arrived an hour late...rather flabbergasted but settled in calmly amidst well wishes.

Then, he looked at her and I saw the love and proudness for the one girl who will complete his life. At that moment, she was the luckiest girl alive! To be loved by a man as he openly loves her is chocolate éclairs on earth….

He thinks she is the prettiest girl alive. He thinks she is sweet and he looks at her when she does not realize it….love twinkling in his eye!

Thank you for making me happy today! Thank you for giving me back a little of my idealist dreams…..thank you for showing me this: Perfection is not hope, hardwork nor perseverance…it is love like chocolate éclairs on earth….

Lining Grand Canal

2005-01-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

Next year this time, I will no longer be here. Sayonara….cioz….tata…home sweet home

If things goes as planned (which fate has a knack of uprooting all carefully planned itineraries), I should be basking in the heat of Tuscan. The rolling mountain the whole world talks about.

I will be amongst the gorgeously burgeon gondolas and sleek Italian men in their hot motorbike (or so they think!)…

I will sip a rich freshly brewed coffee whilst savouring tiramisu at the dimly lighted cafes lining Grand Canal….greedily taking in the scene of Milan and Grand Canal and a life so different from what I know. So different that I want to embrace it with all my might and yet melancholy reflects upon a life I use to have in cosmopolitan Kuala Lumpur….bittersweet is the flavour of my life composition…makes every moment a colorful endeavor worth cherishing

Italy, France, Scotland and London…you are but a breath away….and six months bonus away!!!

New year…bloody ah bengs…

2005-01-21T01:22:00.000-08:00

The mere mention of a new year and almost inevitably you will read or write or hear a friend or a foe surmise his or her year!!!

Shall I be any different? Nope…I m but a city girl, brought up to emulate every possible mass indoctrination!

So, where did 2004 go to?

Can’t really remember much of the year…since I didn’t:-

(1) get promoted;
(2) get laid; and
(3) didn’t get married…

come to think of it, I didn’t even loose a pound! Bugger!! Having said that, I am enormously happy. At the end of the day, that is all that matters, isn’t it?

However, I met him. Making this year a fairly interesting year, albeit liking him and hating him every other waking moment was one big shithole!

But I digress. "New"….everyone likes it. Be it a new dress, a new puppy, a new boyfriend, a new car or a new year! New always smell better, work better, taste better, look better…gleaming shiny unsullied. The same analogy applies to a new year.

I bid farewell to last year’s horrible work load schedule, the bastard who broke my heart (perhaps I didn’t really bid him farewell because I called him out for drinks the very next day – the bloody irony of this cheating heart of mine!!), the stupid weight machine that says I still weigh 60kg and ushered in a new year with greater expectations, new new year resolutions and expect things to look up …..

So this is how I sang farewell and welcome the new year.

Eve of a new year: Everyone in office was ready to party. No one wanted to work. Everyone was bugging everyone. Ready to flee as the clock tick towards four pm or so.

Met up for karaoke lunch with two friends. Never done one of this before but it sure was a novelty. Had fun though. Food in Red Box sucks but what the heck, we were there only for a chance to parade our singing ability…My guy friend can really sing. It was fun to just sit back and listen to some real talents karaok-ing to their heart’s content.

Then MrKaraoke dropped his bombshell….

MrKaraoke: Eh leleente, have I told you that I have a girlfriend?

Me (very happy and smiling away): Really?!!! That is fabulous

MrKaraoke: urmmmm ….i have know her for four years. She is a nice girl. And I have been alone for many years now. So, since I know that she likes me, we started a relationship.

Me (alarm and puzzled): eh?!! Are you telling me that you don’t like her but because you pity her, you are going out with her?

MrKaraoke: I was touched by her sweetness and her sincerity. I mean, she is a really homely and nice girl. When she was still my housemate, she will make a drink for me in the morning, take care of house chores and also wash my clothes. In this day and time, where can you find such girls?

Me (thinking: fuck fuck fuck!!!): You are kidding me!!!!

Sit back….completely taken aback by this new revelation and can’t help but pity the girl a tiny bit…but more importantly, prayed that this couple will iron things out and my friend might just happen to fall deeply in love with this sweet girl! He didn’t sound like it was merely a game and for that I gave him credit. He did mention that he will want to settle down in two years or so. So, I guess this is better than all my other friends who happen to like their gf from day one but can’t even discuss marriage without breaking down!!! So, I guess things will be ok after all.

Came back to work at three pm….finished off at seven-ish. Adjourned to a four star city hotel for pot luck dinner with friends. I made two new friends. Conversation flow was good. We talked about work, about the tsunami disaster (where everyone has an interesting close encounter story to tell) and life in general. I have never ever been a big fan of noise, so a sit down dinner away from city havoc, jam and idiotic ah beng loitering in the street was superb.

Went to meet my then-university-roommate at eleven-ish. This is where the nightmare begins. The same idiotic ah bengs loitering in the street were holdings cans of detergent aerosol sprays that were going for RM10 for 4 bottles…and they were spraying at practically everything within their sight. I was soooooo ready to utter foul language at them when my hair got soaked with horrible smelling detergent!!! The worst part was it also leaves a rather sticky feeling on your skin. Bloody asshole!!!! Can’t they do something more constructive? What has become of our young generations? If this is their idea of fun, then our country is not progressing intellectually in sync with economic prosperity!

Was stuck in city jam for an hour. Reached home at three. Whispered a thank you note to God almighty for He has given me the very best things in life: my life.

New year 2005!

I missed him terribly. Decided that I needed to at least incorporate him in my "new year better life" resolution.

Ingeniously told him that my roommate and friend invited me out for drinks and invited him to join. Which he happily did. I swear the reason why I don’t see any future for the two of us is because he seem to be rather interested in meeting my single eligible girlfriends. Which goes to show that he thinks of me as a great buddy but not girlfriend material. I swear I am so ready to wack him on his head with a baseball bat!!!! ARGH!!!! Yet I have this innate perseverance in me and I believe strongly that I shouldn’t give up till the “fat lady sings”.

Wouldn’t it be easier for me to just give up? I swear I am quite insane. Most girls know the rule of the game: If he is not remotely interested, don’t waste your time. Move on. Why do I pursue? Insanely, I think it is also because I love the “hunt”…and the challenge and sometimes the roller coaster ride!

My year begun with him. The question remains: Will it end with him?

Christmas: spicy chicken curry, basketball & biceps. Perfecto

2005-01-18T07:10:00.000-08:00

Dear folks…I have been cruelly taken away from this dreamworld…where I write and ramble abt everything and anything…because I need to pretend like I am working ……for a living…otherwise, my boss might just slash my bonus into nothingness…..

But, I am BACK!!!! Damn it feels damn good to write write and write!!

Here is an update on my Christmas….to be followed by my New Year and then….some good old bitching abt the guy I m still hung over with!

Christmas: spicy chicken curry, basketball & biceps. Perfecto

Decadently delicious! Yum yum....and if you are thinking down the sexual path, just a gentle tug to bring you back to the fact that I meant my Christmas day culinary experience!! What were you thinking off? Biceps of basketball players? ....hahaha...that was delicious too!

It was way way too yummy for this sexually deprived girl! Should I skip all the mundane spinning stories of introducing you to my Christmas day (eg. I woke up .....brush my teeth...slap on my makeup?....) and cut the chase and drool abt basketball players?

The verdict is done...i can't contain my excitement any longer. It must be told!

So, here I am to tell you all about sweaty men chasing after one ball and hoping to score as many goals as possible! Sounds perverted and if so, yes….for two single girls that night, it was nothing but pure fun to be able to drool over the gorgeously built sweat-sheen biceps…..and the best part, my friend happen to be a reporter…hence, we got the privilege of “choosing” the guys that we like, and then “checking him out”….my friend has the biodata of all players…

I swear this is better then chocolate coated strawberries, sipping champagne, lounging in a Jacuzzi tub somewhere in the caribbeans!! (OR MAYBE NOT!!)

These are professional basketball players representing their home state vying for the championship of Malaysia. I fell in love with the Penang hunks! They are really hot! When they ran, your eyes will just follow the action….and I re-affirm that I like leadership amongst the whole pack of werewolves! Penang caption, 25 yo….D man!.....

I never expected myself to thoroughly enjoy myself. My parents went back to Pahang for holidays. So did my grandparents. So did dSaint and dGurl!!! I was left pretty much alone. If it was not because my friend calls me up and insisted that I get my butt off the chair and do something interesting for Chritmas, I would have sit at home and mull abt life in solitude…not an admirably stance for a girl like I….but in the end, I m damn glad that I dressed prettily and went out for a girls day out. I throughly enjoyed myself.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

p/s : He once said that I am just into sweaty men…damn right I am…it was a wonderful sight for a deprived woman like I!!

Interview fiasco

2005-01-18T04:15:00.000-08:00

My company is on expansion mode….so we are hiring….on a side note, I am kind of piss that my seniors does not see me as the perfect candidate to promote…nevertheless, I am ever grateful that I have met a bunch of crazily smart ppl to work with…hence, I shall not complaint…truth is, complaining never does help smooth things out…it only aggravate a badly misunderstood situation. So…rather than hearing disgruntled groans from me, I shall tell you abt the fiasco going on in my company.

To appreciate this blog entry, you need to understand a few salient points of the perceived Leleente in the work environment.

For a start, ever since the days of Troy (where the sight of brad pitt almost made me swoon….)….I have been “perceived” to be infatuated with him, his butt and every other hot bods in the world!! ….the “perceived” me is suppose to be in love with brad pitt and I am a woman eater of hot bodies….

It got so out of hand that my boss sms-ed me on a Saturday night telling me that Brad and Jennifer are on the split.
It got so out of hand that one of my colleague actually sms-ed me on a Tuesday night to watch channel 70 astro for ManHunt!! At 10pm for crying out loud!! It is terrible!!

Yet, I enjoyed all the attention accorded to ME!!! In many ways, I feel that they care so much abt me….and it is rather fun just to banter away lightly…

Another colleaguea even bought me a Brat Pitt calendar….12 different facet of HIM!!....and I hung it on the wall overlooking myself! Hehehhe….just like my boss hung his “thai” girls calendar overlooking himself….but smartly hidden from the naked eye…peeking every so coyly from his room door!...i always complain that that calendar makes us more like a mechanic workshop rather than a professional house!...hehehhehe…that is my boss for you…forever so creative, cool and fun

But I digress. Another colleague is overseeing the interview process for the past two days or so. And I, who is supposedly the chick still in the market, am “perceived” to pound on every tom, dick and harry that comes for the interview. My coll said that because he actually considered my pathetic position i.e. single and available, he actually decided to interview two thirds guys…just so that I get a chance at feasting my eyes on the species called man!

And everyone is such a busybody…every time someone new comes along for the interview, we congregate and actually check out the interviewee’s vital stats (i.e. pretty or not? handsome or not?)….

And last evening, my coll came over and handed me a document and asked if I can get it stapled (which is already perfectly stapled!!)….so, I walked towards the meeting room, peek…analyse, hid behind the pillar and looked at my coll…simultaneously giving him two thumbs up sign…the whole gang erupted in laughter! If only you can imagine the fun we all had.

The same thing happened today: my interviewer coll came up to me and asked me: Are you not thirsty yet? ….that question caught me off guard. I was puzzled. What did he mean by that? Then he started walking away. I caught up with him and asked what he meant by that? Then he said: Don’t you need to get water refill?

And bingo! I got it…he was signaling that the guy in the conference is CUTE!!! I took my cup, ran to the pantry…whilst my coll waited for my two thumbs up….and I gave him one thumbs up!

Bloody wonderful colleagues I have!! LOL!!!

For the girls

2004-12-29T16:31:00.000-08:00

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you , nothing can make him stay.

2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior (Dont try to change his behavior either, only he can do that).

3. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

4. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.

5. Slower is better.

6. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

7. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

8. Don't settle.

9. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

10. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

11. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

12 . Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Stop having kids for the sake of making relationships "stronger", you'll only end up with 4 people in your house with 4 different surnames !

13. Always have your own set of friends separate from his. (This is so, so true, keep in touch with your friends.)

14 . Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

15. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

16. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.

17. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

18. Never let a man define who you are.

19. Never borrow someone else's man.

20. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

21. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

22 . Not All men are dogs.

23. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.

24. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

25. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

26. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.. Right.

27. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

28. Never move into his mother's house.

29. Never co-sign for a man.

30. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Rum Crumble!!!!

2004-12-17T18:58:00.000-08:00

It was my beloved company's annual dinner last night....it goes without saying that it was a fabulous night. Once again, I give grace to God for presenting to me wonderful colleagues to learn from, to look up upon and to cherish.

After a wonderfully hefty and not so environmental friendly (i.e. the shark fin soup) meal, we adjourned to Rum Jungle. One word: CRUMBLE!!!

I had such high hopes of Rum Jungle being a hip happening and friendly place to chill. As we walked in, we chanced upon a recently vacated table...wow...lucky us. Before we can even take our sits and catch our breath, we were bombarded by SYT trying to solicit business. The two girls were so damn persistent...it made me feel like I was being hustled all around. That gave me a very VERY bad after taste of Rum Jungle.

In fact, things got worst.....another barmen hustler came up to us and argued that if we only wanted beer, we can't have the sits! We were so appalled by this display of greed for money. A few of my colleagues were ready to get the hell out of Rum Jungle. However, my boss managed to negotiate for two buckets of beer. We sat down in time to watch a performance right out of Phuket's once famous aqua show. It was a fusion of carabet and Kadazan dancing. It was quite a spectacular show.

Having said that, I vow to never go back to Rum Jungle because we were being hustled by the barmen who served us. Instead of two buckets, he brought three buckets and wanted to charge us for all three. We were so pissed and so ready to walk out. The hustler asshole cornered us by opening one bottle...leaving us with not much choice but to haggle for two buckets....he is not only an asshole, he was a MFSOB....

In the end, we won. Qantas girl didn't want beer. She opted for liquor. This is another story all together. She got her drink at the bar, gave RM50 for her RM18 drink. The bastard bartender told her that they don't have change. What was she suppose to do? Forfeit her change? The stupid bastard then scolded her when she complaint that it was not her fault that this business entity didn't have sufficient change. The asshole told her to wait until there is change! She stood there for a whole 15 bloody minutes!

Damn....this place sucks.....Rum Jungle....I hope you crumble!!!! Not sophisticated...not well run....too bloody greedy...

Recommendation: Don't bother going.

Fairly interesting weekend

2004-12-13T16:26:00.000-08:00

Christmas carols

My weekend kicked-off on a Friday evening. It was a fantastic night. Got myself an invite to school mate’s cell group Christmas barbeque fiesta. It was awesome to say the least.

He is a changed man. Changed for the better. And I am happy for him. I use to hate his gut, his playboy-ness and his crude selfishness. Now, he is caring and mature and so full of that special “soul” full-ness touch, that I adore him. I must say that religion really does wonder to a person.

Even his choice of girlfriend upt a notch. Not pretty, close to figureless, abit haggard looking but she is one hell of a beautiful woman. She is so full of “soul” full-ness that I felt warmth spreading through me the moment I got to know her…I love her already…and I am not even a lesbian! Damn, beginning to sound like one though! With all the hanging out with girls and limited edition of boys…I really need to get a better mix of friends…fore I might turn into the biggest lesbian ever lived….

And meeting my swim team “legs” were fun. We reminisced upon those times when we use to have crushes on a certain Mark and a certain Marilyn and a certain Judith (Mark for me and the girls for the boys ler….I not “that” lesbian ler) ….ah…good old fun! Remembered the time when we played pranks on some poor soul…the boisterous laughter was totally out of this world.

Sang some Christmas carols that night. Always my favourite time of the year…Christmas mood, shopping mall decorations, Christmas tree and carols. Be it a commercialized stunt, I still love it.

Chanced upon

Saturday didn’t go as planned. I was too lazy to hit the gym. And I desperately wanted to change my outlook. The quickest way to do that was to hit the saloon. And it was sheer coincidence when I turned and saw that the girl sitting beside me was my roommate from Australia. I was so excited I practically screamed her name! hehhehe…can you imagine me, so surprised that I almost got off my chair and launched myself at her! So, we ended up sharing newspaper. Talking loudly over the hairstylist manning our mane and bitch-ly updated our lives to each other. Manning the hair was such a long affair I only lasted until 3pm. After which I bid her farewell and practically ran from the saloon. I was there for more than 3 hours. Apparently, she ended up being in the saloon for 6 hours. That is what they charge all those exorbitant amount for. The use of the aircond and lighting!

My Pharaoh Harem Like Hair…

This time around, I had a craving for jet black hair…and so that was what I did, along with a jagged looking hairstyle. It is a nice change. Most boys say I look good. Most girlfriends say they prefer my brown colored hair. Colleagues loved it. My mom said I looked better with highlighted hair. My dad said the new hairstyle makes my face looks swollen….hmmm….which explains why I have been looking at the mirror and pouting to myself every now and then with the hope that my face will slim down…LIKE REAL!!

Heheheh…but I love my new hairstyle. Classic and so so so dark it feels like I m living a harem dream in Egyptian times.

A celebrity

This is the highlight of my weekend. I was buck naked in the sauna when I was startled by a loud knock. In walks this pretty girl asking if she could join me. Covered myself real quick and welcomed her into the temporary muscle relaxing heat sanctuary. Got chatting and found out that she is an actress. Pretty lil thing. So, made another friend and this time a celeb at it too.

Charity Dinner

Was obnoxiously late for a charity performance organize by a good friend. The jam was horrendous. What is wrong with everyone? Why go out unless you have to on a rainy Saturday evening? Stay home, cook a delicious meal and make love to your loved ones and leave the battle field for Monday!

Was suppose to help my friend usher guest into the hall. Was suppose to be at the temple by 6.30pm. In the end, we arrived at 8pm!!! Muahahahha…there goes anymore hope of being roped in for assistance the next round! Felt really bad because I did promise to help. Aiseh! The jam!! ARGH!!! Guys, this Sat I m going to be wandering around KL…stay away from KL….pls…

The performance was good though. The children were awesome. Half the time I didn’t know what they recited because it was in Sanskrit. But I enjoyed the dancing and the instrumental performance. My friend did forewarn me that the kids do have some real talent but until you actual witness it, you will never believe her. They really do have some amazing talent.

Ta da…that was my weekend in so far.

2004-12-09T20:29:00.001-08:00

ButterflyKisses

2004-12-09T20:29:00.000-08:00

BestDesign

2004-12-09T20:28:00.000-08:00

DesignerOfTheYear

I can’t think of a title

2004-12-09T02:39:00.000-08:00

I am drained: mentally, physically and emotionally…

mentally because my brains never works anyway
physically because my wonderfully cursed biological cycle is producing its bleeding ovaries
emotionally because emotionally I feel drained of feelings…...

Blame everything on my period….blame everything on lack of sleep…blame everything on lack of exercise regime for this week

Why am I feeling like this? Why am I drifting? Hmmm…..i want to be in my comfy pajamas, curled up in fellatio like manner and dream like I have never dreamt before…..cocooned in a lovingly hand-made patchwork blanket

Did I tell you he called? Yeah, he finally did….and if you think to yourself: this must be the reason behind the grunt and the sadness in Leleente…is it? I am not sure…all I know is that I need to get my ass to gym, work out so that I can get the happy hormones pumping through my veins and hope for a brighter day tomorrow.

Ok lar – I m going to binge in the Ship with my mother….i miss her, yet when I see her, I don’t talk. There is nothing to talk about. But we will crap…

Oh yeah, he called and said that there was a family emergency and he did not have his charger along. Did not apologize as well. He sounded sad. I am sad…..

One and only angel: It is easy to say move on. You know me. It is rather hard my dear.
dS, the hugs were much appreciated.

I want to cry…can’t cry….why am I feeling so sad?

As I promised..Sunday

2004-12-06T18:00:00.000-08:00

It was the most unimaginable Sunday of my entire life. Haha…that should set the tone for this post. And I bet you already know the outcome of my Sunday.

My friends, for the first time in my bloody life, I got ditched! Yeah, you heard me right…I got ditched! Was I angry? Was I sad? Was I indifferent? I felt all three…incredulous was more what I felt!

Which makes me ponder whether I am truly enthralled by him or is it because I can’t seem to find a better replacement model? Indifferent is good…because that would mean he no longer is significant to me …hmmm….the feeling does fade, as surely as you told me so….hmmmm….interesting to note.

I am even beginning to wonder if he meant nothing more than a friend to me. Because I no longer have the urge to call him and no longer need to hear his voice to survive…but damn it, I still want to see him…sigh sigh….

But I digress.

That son of a bitch cancelled on me…cancelled lunch appointment on a short message service and suggested dinner instead…in which case, he promised to call the next day….alas, he did not call…and not even a short message service…a short message service, for crying out loud!!! Is it not courtesy as friends to show up for dinner when you bloody well meant it?

Sob sob…stupidly and shy to admit to you, I actually waited for him to call. I waited from morning till evening came…till the cows came…I did not even get a short message service….basically, I was left hanging on a cili api tree to rot. If you saw me, you will pity me because even I pitied myself. It was a pathetic sight, I tell you. I was holding on to my mobile phone for dear life and checking it every few minutes…wondering for a minute in Bridget Jone’s manner as to whether my mobile is actually working!

In the end, wiped out all my beautiful makeup (wasted effort and not to mentioned wasted RM10 per DIY makeup session)…put on comfy pajamas…and went to bed…feeling once again indifferent and sad. I still can not understand why I am not terribly angry at him. I am so willing to forgive him all the dire shit he hands over to me. Pathetic for a strong girl like me! Which brings me to the next topic of discussion…making up excuses to refrain from the harsh reality that hurt me so?

Making excuses...

2004-12-06T17:56:00.000-08:00

Do we, as girls, make up excuses for his every bad move? Or we do kick a big fuss out of it? Are we guilty of a little of both?

Instinctively, we make excuses to refrain from the harsh reality that will ultimately hurt us ….this tactic is used mainly in “code red” circumferences…i.e. he comes home late, citing a lot of work as an excuse and we accept.

Or goes off to Thailand on a monthly basis to set up a factory (when he is the financial manager ) and we shrug nonchalantly *incredulous snigger* .

Or decline your overtly sexy little play in bed, blaming migraine and we "mother" over him (feminist or not, only women are allowed to use this excuse!!)….

We only kick a big fuss when we want ATTENTION…attention is never enough…a girl can not be fully “bahagia” without the endless shower of love…in and out of bed, to her, to her family and to her friends.

So, when it is not attention that we want…why make excuses? When it is blatantly clear that he is just not into you…shouldn’t you take the cut and get on with your life?

Apparently, I have been seeking excuses after excuses for him. Even dG is guilty of it. When he didn’t call last night, I had to share the “crushing” pain. So I called dG.

dG: Maybe he got into an accident and was injured
Me: I sure as hell hope so!
dG: chuckling

Why am I still clinging on to making excuses for him? Is it hopelessly hopeful that hoped the reason he didn’t call was because he did not have access to his mobile?!! Haha…that is such a lame excuse even I m laughing at myself!

Say you will call when you do intend to call…otherwise, give me the cut and tell me to stop bugging you…because trust me, I will. In fact, I am never going to call HIM. Lets go find another model to try out.

Do we really get on and move on?

2004-12-05T19:57:00.000-08:00

If you believe in true love, the exhilarating touch of his hand, the meeting of minds and the first kiss should never fade into memory. And yet, the statistical sample I examined so far indicates that the first kiss will soon turn to mundane quotas for the week.

After the firs kiss, the first murmur of “I love you”s...what next? What is in store for you after cupid's arrow fades into nothingness?? Do we really get on with life with the decision to share the burden and happiness of both your lives together or do you make the decision to move on with just your life…?

When true love fades into once-upon-a-time nostalgic flavour, the relationship turns into a choice. And like all choices, decisions must be made. Unlike your one-time decision to splurge on the new Christian Dior clutch bag and incur a credit card debt for the near short term, a decision in relationship is forever a dynamic choice. Because it involves human being and unlike other animals, simply because we come with brains, we assume that it is our duty to make use of the organ and make life difficult for ourselves by “thinking and rationalising”. So, when your life paradigm changes, your relationship choices changes.

When the calls fade and the mood-swing takes its toil, you must remember one thing: relationships are ninety nine percent hardwork and one percent fate. Hardwork is just as it implies...hardwork.

So, like everyone's work (even if you are living your dream job), work can be a bitch at times. Sweet other times. On a scale of one to ten, fun should take the front-line and sadness should take a backseat. Then and only then, there will be more things to smile about than frown upon in your shared life.

So, when things are down and almost under, it is important to remember the first kiss. Rekindling is not prevention, it is curing. If you call quit in the middle of the journey, you are one hell of a bad actor.

No soul has the right to promise eternal love and back fire on it when the seven year itch starts to itch.

Henceforth, I can never understand the rational behind divorce. I swear that it is a gimmick lawyers conceived to make additional income, and believe me, even they didn't expect it to be a recurring income item in their profit and loss statement.

You can brush a relationship off and say we were young when we got married or it just ain't working. I for one, who live my life with the belief that all my actions has a consequence; will never back down from the consequence. I take credit for both the praises and also the blame about everything that is good or bad about my life.

To expect to stay rooted in first love is childishly idealistic. It will never happen. The mundane-ness of living will overwhelm your floating cloud 9 feeling. To realistically accept that your life and your partner's life consist of many other particles would make the transition from first love to "getting on and moving on" a whole lot easier.

She, a surprise bash, some family bonding and DURIAN

2004-12-04T01:01:00.000-08:00

SHE

I have known her for 25 years of my wonderful life.
She who can never be more generous, sacrificed everything for the sake of her family.
She who grew up, pretty and full of laughter...married the one man who stole her heart and got down on his knees to propose marriage.
She who strive together with hubby, also stood by the window awaiting his return home
She who gave birth to wonderful children, raised them truly well and fairly amazing
She who sought God in times of worry and heartache, give prayer to God almighty every other occasion

What made her wonderfully a wonderful woman is her believe in her family. She gave me family warmth and she gave me family bond. Her life was not perfect and her matrimonial vows have gotten astray. Yet, she is as wholesome as they come. The perfect mother.

BIRTHDAY BASH

It is my cousin brother's sweet sixteen birthday today. I remember the day he was born. It calls for a celebration. He was the first male species in the family, amogst 12 granddaughters! What a refreshing (and relief) status! It goes without saying that he was doted upon.

I was ten then and fell in love with him instantly. I still love him today. He is cheeky, he makes me feel young and he is just sooooo lazy and childish and yet seem mature for his age.

Today, I am 25 and he is 16...how fast time passes. How sweet our life turn out to be. I am special because I have her, him and many other her and him.

FAMILY BONDING

As I immerse myself in a hectic work schedule, family obligations took a backseat.

With that, I lost touch of family bonding, family gossip and just being in the presence of family. To be in their presence, I don't usual say a lot. I soak up the bond that exist between all of us because miraculously we are fated to be together.

And if i am not sure of anything else about the workings of this world, I know this for a fact: We are not going to wither away.

It turned out to be a wonderful night because I got to eat barbeque lamb and more importantly, the durian was way too awesome!

My uncle asked if I were to have to choose between durian or wine, what would the verdict be? I must say DURIAN wins single-handedly!

Godmother

2004-12-02T14:30:00.000-08:00

I am excited. I am the chosen one…oh wait, nope. That doesn’t sound right. I was not chosen, I sort of chose myself…to be a godmother! Haha…yours truly have self-appointed herself as the godmother to the lovely unborn daughter of S. S and I have always had a special bond. We don’t see nor talk to each other more than thrice a year…but friendship lingers.

How do I know that it is going to be a girl? Well, gut feel says so. Even S agrees that it is going to be a girl. But apparently her soulmate doesn’t think so. He feels that it is going to be a boy…but girls know these things best….otherwise why would they come up with “maternal instinct”….So, it is going to be a GIRL!

Hehe….to shed clarity on my goddaughter, pls be well aware that she has not been conceived yet! Not for another two years at least!!Muahahaha….this is pre-mature dreaming on my part.

But I digress. My goddaughter will definitely be smart…slightly above average but definitely an A student. She will be popular in a girl school…S, can we put her in a girl school? ….but she will not be arrogant, for she will emulate her mother’s humble self…she will immerse herself in Indian cultural activities (hopefully not another singer…I think we have enough singers in the family rite S?)....her mom will teach her yoga , her dad will teach her cricket….and I will teach her the finer things in life.

Age 5: My goddaughter will watch cartoons…nothing to violent for her mom is a non-aggressive person by nature. On her birthday, I will tailor for her a pink-tulle-like dress…she will look pretty as she blows her first five candles. I will shed a tear or two for life can truly be magnificient.

Age 10: She will be chubby and talkative and she will devour books like her mommy and her godmommy. On her birthday, I will start buying her Mills & Boons…and hope that there is no Mrs. Baskaran to confiscate it during schooling hour…

Age 16: She will rebel….her mommy will scold…her godmommy will sooth the tension over icer-cream…I will buy my god daughter cookies n cream flavoured ice-cream while I myself relish a pecan butternut ice-cream. On her birthday, I will design for her a lilac Punjabi-lenga-look-alike ensemble. I will bring her out for movies in the cinema with caramelized popcorn to share and she will tell me about guys who are chasing her and her feelings and her new found body.

Age 21: Today is the day I introduce her to the finer things in life. Afternoon tea in Marriott…touch and feel the lux of Gucci leather bags…prada canvas shoes…and manoloes….On her birthday, will organize a garden party. She will cut the cake with her guy by her side, smiling for the world to see, pretty in a tube dress I will make in her favourite color…showing off her sun kissed tan skin…..and her proud parents and god mother by her side…gaining weight around the waitsline, losing control of their career and kids alike …muahahhaha

Age 26: Ideally, this is the age she marries. I will hug her. Say well done and eternal happiness. Shed a tear and smile for life is truly magnificient.

A bygone week

2004-12-02T10:55:00.000-08:00

Or at least it felt that way…..but Thursday buggered my illusion that today is Friday….lack of sufficient sleep and high level of stress is killing my soul…and blogging alleviates daily mundane-ness into joy of dreams…

* Imagine goat-playing-the-violin floating across the dark sky to the sound of Josh Gorban’s Remember When*

I am not sure abt you guys but a quick brain check down memory road indicate that I can’t seem to recall what transpired last week….in a horrifying way, even as I sat down and concentrated on racking my memory…I can’t recollect what happened last week…hmmm..guess it was just another bygone week.

There are some moments in life that you will remember well, for life. And then, there are moments like last week, that you walk through with a breeze, until the next storm of excitement arrives.

So, instead of having a two-week sequence of calm weather, I decided to “blog” my week so far, in the hope of creating some splashes…for the heck of it!

For a start, I am watching Sex and the City….my gawd…I can’t get enough of them! And then again, which blue-blooded girl can…Snippets of luxurious lifestyle coupled with educational and seems like rather satisfying sex plots make the movie delectably yummy enough to eat! And manoloes…and pradas…are what makes a girl truly a girl…living in the big apple.

Monday was “Monday blues”. Nothing terribly exciting ever happens on Mondays. Oh and I didn’t have a good night sleep because I was expecting an answer from him. I basically invited myself for dinner….he has not replied for two days…ARGH!!!

Hence, the need to do shopping therapy. I did a teeny weeny bit of shopping at Bandar Utama. The new wing smell like ….well, a new wing…muahahhaha…freshly coated paint smell still lingering. However, I was disappointed that there is no Christmas decorations up yet. I adore Christmas decorations in malls….it is truly a magnificent sight. I get all excited abt them. Had a good dinner with SP. She as usual is full of surprises…got myself invited to Rush this Thursday…

until I promptly asked: What time do we wrap the whole thing up?
she replied: Abt one or two.
I retorted: And I have to get up at 6 for work. Thanks but no thanks, I’ll skip!

Tuesday was horribly stretched at work. Felt like my hair is being pulled out of its end…limbs flying all around the places…can’t get better than that can it?

However, Tuesday’s highlight was that it was my evaluation day…you heard it rite! I got evaluated today. Felt like report card day….my boss felt more like a friend than a boss…negotiated for added responsibilities (why ever did I DO THAT for?!!)…but I did it nonetheless….so, yours truly here will soon embark on more challenging work scope. Wohooo!!! This is the day I jump for joy!!! This is the day I smile! And yes, I did both. I am happy. Everything feels right. The fact that I did not have a special someone was mitigated by the fact that I have a loyal career prospect. A guy will cheat, a job can’t cheat you out of a chance to success if you try hard enough. Enough said!

Wednesday – went to gym….gym gym gym….

Today….what should have begun as a wonderful day…turn sour. All because of him. Well, to be honest…it wasn’t him him that was the problem. It was more the realization that I could still feel the heart-pumping swooning action the minute I heard his voice on the phone. Yes, he bloody finally called. And we are doing lunch this weekend. Some yummy food….some good conversation…that is what I like best. You ask…so wherein lies the problem? Theorectically, I myself don’t see a problem too…however, my cheating heart wants to feel more than that isn’t it? It is hard to tell your heart to scoot off for two hours and come back later can you?

Hope in such circumstances is nothing but a detriment to one self. Should he not call…or should I never see him…my feelings will not grow fonder….he will wither away in my memory…and one day, he will become but an imaginary friend. Wish he would just leave me alone. A short cry would definitely be easier than a long period of mourning unseemly.

A preview into the rest of the week….Friday going for a massage….There is a need for a pair of smooth confident hand to mold and knead my shoulder tension away…wish I had a readily available lover to beckon…because then, it will be free of monetary charges…hehehhe…

Saturday is going to be a day of met ups…going to loiter in mid valley…and have Japanese lunch with some uni mates…would love to see them…it has been long since I transform myself into a fashionably crazy girl. It is also my cousin bro’s 16 birthday bash….and that is the one bash I am going to crash….alot of catching up to do with cousins whom I have missed terribly…I am so looking forward to it

Sunday….well you know…I will surely blog Sunday…don’t think I won’t…

December issue....

2004-11-24T21:31:00.000-08:00

As I was walking towards my usual fruit stall….trying to be on a fruit diet, but failing miserably because I am a gurl who needs real food…so, fruits are just in-between snacks now….I saw a gold emblazoned magazine that shrieks “CLEO”….set against a black background, it all but scream drama!!...

I detoured to check out CLEO. Kaz boom!!Excitement!!! December issue of CLEO is out. My eyes started darting left and right, taking into account the varies magazines Female, Her World, Bazaar…all December issue…..

As my fingers reached forward to grab an issue of CLEO, I suddenly realize I have an unread November issue sitting idly at home, awaiting my attention. Yet, the urge to pick up December issue and discard the unread November issue is well…practically urging me to do just that!

What is so enthralling about a new issue that sends thrill of excitement down your spine?

For me, a new issue is simply divine. It transports my rather mundane day into a magical day. The day when I escape from living to dreaming. When I buy a new issue, my fingers will glide ever so lovingly on its smooth glittery surface. Then, I will scan through the pages as quickly as possible …..checking out the latest fashion code of honour…before settling down in my pajamas and vanilla scented moisturizer plastered to my freshly scrub body to decipher the written articles.

Magazines are a short cut to a world of glitz and dreams come true. Female-oriented magazines can be both educational and girlie frillie ….so, in a way, you get a run down of the dating game, female hygiene, the power of a woman (in and out of bed), some cooking tips…some fashion tips…some career tips…but I think more importantly, why a million and one woman read female-oriented magazines is because it makes us feel less alone. As crazy as this may sound, it is relieve you feel when you read an article and realize that you are living the same nightmare as the poor girl…or have the same mind set as the author…

Hmmm…can’t wait to get my hands on December issue…all the party animal stories, all the bling blings and toasting goodbye to 2004 and welcoming 2005 with open hands….it is the time for Christmas carols and New Year parties…

December magazines just jump start the holiday festivities….

Surreal ! rue the day I thought so!!

2004-11-24T19:56:00.000-08:00

Believing in karma is inevitable…every now and then, when shit happens…we would conveniently blame it all on bad deeds reconciling in this and past lives, i.e. karma. Seem so much easier to just blame it on the unimaginable rather than the tangible.

So here, I want to “blame” karma for the sheer bad luck in relationships…what relationships? (you smirking away yet?)…muahahhahah….ok concede, there was none to begin with. But there was some feelings trampled upon and otherwise bruised ego to sooth….

I have always smirked at friends or faceless friends’ friend who seem to fall hopelessly in “love” with a guy “bestfriend”. Feeling slightly more superior than them because you know, I have a wee bit of brains, I vow to never repeat the same mistakes as my friends or friends’ friend. All my life, I have kept relationship with men platonic. It has never occurred to me to deepen the friendship. If they ever and may I just repeat, ever come to me with a personal problem, I will shut them out immediately. Hello…do I look like some cheap physiologist here? Go get a life and stop complaining!!

It must be payback time….because *sob sob* I so darn happen to fall for the vicious circle of falling for a guy friend…*sob sob*

Thanks to all the gentle but firm chiding I have been getting from very supportive sources, I finally accepted the truth. The truth being:-

he is not courting me….it is plain to see that he treats me as a friend

Alas, I am NOT as desirable as I thought of myself….muahahahhaha…..i bet you are thinking, WTF? She has a bloody inflated ego…yes my friend, I do…welcome to the world of Leleente!

But having said that on a lighter beat, it is still hard to accept failure…it is a rather bitter medicine to swallow. All is fair in love and war…yes? No!....war is excruciatingly cruel and unfair….and so is love when you are on the wrong side of the road!

I, who have always worked at things….only to be able to reap the fruit of my labour, do not believe that doors open with a mere prayer or luck….everything happens because you will it to be…and you work at it. Hence, it is rather sad that you can’t work for him to fall in love with you…and that is what has been puzzling me. If everything else is achievable by hard work, why not love?

Are we "developed"?

2004-11-21T19:26:00.000-08:00

As I strut towards my luncheon meet-up, I chanced upon a girl standing by the office corridor, having a puff. I continued along, completely unabashed by this sight.

In my cognitive thoughts, nothing unjustly bizarre happened. Hence, it dawned to me that we, as a growing nation, no longer scrutinize a mere girl taking a puff as a disgraceful taboo. Granted that there are still a few older generation voices deeming it a taboo…but generally speaking, most young working adults do not give a hoot to such behaviour.

Then I stop to ponder, are we emulating the westerners? From movies perhaps? Sex and the city perhaps?

If so, goody….why not take a step further and emulate the good. Why stop at smoking for girls? Why not take charge of our lives and be remotely civic minded? Lets stop giving under-table money to authorities. Lets park our cars at designated lots (not because doing otherwise we will be summoned, but because we consciously know that by illegally parking, we may cause unnecessary chaos to other citizens). Lets quee for the bus/ LRT. Lets flush the public toilets that we use (assuming it is working in the first place!). Lets vote for our rights: do not think, we as mere citizens, do not have the power to say YES and NO to changes that will ultimately affect our lives!!! There is a need to support our favourite NGO! Our student movements needs to be aligned and loud…

These are all causes to worry me! Because in the course of emulating the westerners, we choose to emulate the bad and forgo the good! The crux of the problem lies in the fact that it is easier to smoke rather than change our mindset on policies and the betterment of our citizens. The latter issue is much too thought-provoking. And we are citiziens who are not loud, do not ask questions and are generally non-confrontational!

Gibberish thoughts & dreams...

2004-11-18T08:00:00.000-08:00

I was surrounded by family members for the past two days..the need to seek solitude is great…the need to blog tugs….and here I am with my gibberish thoughts once more!

Anyone who has been to Waterfront Kuching would agree that it’s murky and unappealing in broad daylight. However, as sun sets, the flicker of streetlights and docked "sampans" lolling gracefully on riverbank exudes a romantic peacefulness.

Sited at a Waterfront al fresco café in Kuching, I reminisced upon other happy occasions at waterfront cafes. Remember having an intimate and lovely dinner at Clark’s Quay, Singapore with my dear cousin (damn but I miss her much!!). Reflect upon another such occasion during 2004 Christmas, dining at The Riverside, Chiang Mai with my best friend and a Perth-based architect whom we chanced upon. Such memories are dear. The laughter still audible. The happiness still tangible.

Today, I sit all alone…grateful that I have had the experience….thankful I am still healthy breathing…and more importantly, immensely fortunate I still have dreams to achieve…the saying that a man without dreams is poorer than a pauper can not be truer!

Dreams and hope is the sole purpose of living. Acknowledging God and believing in miracles are what makes us embark on life’s journey with graceful strength. Cynicism is born out of your experience and acceptance of world’s cruelty. Born alone, strut among many, die in the arms of self-love: is truly living.

To dream and hope is what sparkle in my eye…is what you hear in my laughter…is what you sense when I am around. Are my dreams great than yours, you ask…nope, it is just a trivial..maybe even less noble…maybe even more impossible…but to tick every dream off my index finger is life’s greatest gift to mankind.

In this phase of life, I only dream of embarking on a two year working holiday to the united kingdom. Ever since I hit puberty, I have dreamt of studying and living in the UKs. I can not even substantiate my dream by saying that I want to visit the London bridge or Harrods…it is a calling. A dream I must achieve at all cost.

*Intermission time: mosquitoes sucking my blood. I am feeling the grime of tropical wind. And I need to pee…badly*

Aaahhh….back in hotel. Feels good. Where did I stop? Oh yeah…my UK dream.

If I am able to resist splurging all my money in KLCC and Sg Wang for next year, I might just be able to touch the grounds of bustling bitch cold London by year end 2005. To breathe the air, smile and then blog my first thought is what I will do. Then, I will check into a mole-hole hostel room. Dress to the nines and head for Oxford St.

*oh my gawd, I think I just had my first orgasm at the mere thought of swaggering on Oxford St*

This will be followed by a three pound baguette and coffee by the park….hmmm…fairly wonderful already!

On my first Sunday in London, I’ll head off to Notting Hill and explore Portobello market, with Notting Hill soundtrack playing on my discman.

A few more days down the road and I will probably start feeling homesick. I will probably cry, just like when I was studying in Melbourne. I want to think that I won’t book myself on the next flight back to Malaysia. I want to think I am made of sterner stuff.

Moving along, I will try to get a job. Odds in favour of “gwai los” are high. My intelligence and promise to “die for the company” will be superseded by “gwai los”, whose competitive edge hinges upon the mere fact that they are Brits. What a full load of bollocks. Still, I believe I will persevere. Will I get lucky twice? …..will I be able to find my dream job yet again? Dunno…lets hope I have enough good karma for God to grant me a second helping to good fortune.

Fast forward two years…I will come back, sporting a fake Brit accent. My cousin will sarcastically exclaim: “Sod off with that bloody accent!”

I will come home to realize my parents are older, my grands having health problems, my auntie probably the same generous self and my cousin mayhaps with her first child?

Will this dream ever matearilize? It feels dauntingly scary from my current stand point….I don’t know. Life has a weird knack of throwing your well-greased plans astray!!!..Maybe my heart will be stolen (if it is not already); I get a marriage proposal?!! (this is biological clock ticking) or I will realize I can not live without my friends and family…

Do I want London so much?...what do you think?

Cheerios!!

You gonna kill me * don't read!! *

2004-11-17T23:06:00.000-08:00

Thus God made man, male and female, neither complete alone, each needing the other for true self-knowledge, self-affirmation and self-fulfillment – So, you’re single! by Margaret Clarkson

You are going to kill me!! I just know it. I will probably want to kill myself too. I am back to being completely paranoid abt him! This obsession is really getting on our nerves, ain’t it? Yet, a woman in “infatuation” can not help but lust after the unattainable!! I mean, who need him anyway?

I woke up…bang…first thought: him!! I freak!! I beg of you, do not read further! It is not educational nor insightful; just silly billie me being a romantic feather-minded Jane Austen gal!..

Hehhehe….this is my version of Winter Sonata ala Leleente style!!

We meet yet again for dinner..dimly romantic. I look him in the eye, softly smilling in awe of his handsomely etched features (aikks…his not so handsome features are suddenly attractive?!!...hurry, call the paramedics and admit me into a mental institution…I may potentially inflict harm on my sane self and drive my friends up the wall!!)

He presents me with a baby blue Tiffany box. I open. Exclaim: Oh my gawd…it is beautiful!

*A bracelet ~ very chic, very fashionable *

And being a sartorial fashionista…can not resist. And resist I did. Too expensive, I will say. (coyly; with the hope that he will insist I accept)…

I murmurs: You should only present such gifts to your girlfriend.

He sighs ever so softly and in a husky sexy tone says: Will you be mine?

I freeze, brains fail to function and true to Winter Sonata style, replies: oh my gawd…this is too sudden. I need time

Dashes off the restaurant…with him hot on my heels!!

*Rolling on the floor laughing..damn but I m good. I shall venture into writing romantic clichés once I have no other goals to achieve *

And of course I will mull over the million dollar question…avoid his calls for a day or two..and finally relent to my hearts contend and say YES..(yippee..get to keep Tiffany bracelet!!)

Then Sound of Music takes precedence…me and him holidaying on green mountains…musical romantic time…his hand clasped ever “so mean to be” with mine…touching his check lovingly…whisper my dreams for only he can know of….see the tug of a smile that inadvertently lights up my eye…

As he holds me, he will chase away my insecurity and doubts…make me sexy and beautiful, inside out.

I wonder what his mother look like? Will I like her? More importantly, will she like me? Will we get along? I better start taking up cooking again; need to learn a few kitchen magic from grams…

Oopps…quickly call the paramedics…I now proclaim myself demented!

The truth is, he probably will not even buy chocolates for me…sigh…we are but friends!....

Go ahead, have a good laugh at the expense of me!

Drive

2004-11-05T07:00:00.000-08:00

Before I went to slumberland last night, I prayed. “Give me the strength to advance in my career”.

(Last night, my boss asked if I wanted to see some corporate ppl. This indicates that I shall be writing soon, albeit a lot of fear that I will not cope. And that is a big advancement in terms of job scope…damn, I was excited and happy…hopefully, this will translate to my bottomline….i can’t believe I can be blessed with so many wonderful things!!)

I woke up at 5am today. I had two alternative.

1) Go back to sleep, wrap in my warm 20 year old loyal blanket or
2) Get up and go to work.

Today, I choose the latter. * I know, I know…I m close to being demented!!*

But you know what, when I came into the office at 6am I saw a reply on my inbox. From my ex colleague. He wrote me an email at 5am!!! Bloody hell!! And I was smug that I am early to work!! Damn it! Bloody kiasu idiot! Hehehheh…..

My question: What drives us?

For my ex-colleague, it was money. He has a secret love. But he feels that he can’t provide for the girl financially (he is more demented than I am) because the girl comes from a wealthy family! Having said that, he is earning five figure. So, I can’t figure why he doesn’t think he can support the girl!

For me, money was never a factor. Success is. I want to one day meet you in my Gucci suit, Christian Dior clutch bag and smile because I am happy. That is material cosmopolitan babe for you with a hint of humbleness. Oh yeah forgot: need a man who loves me in Armani suit…where can I buy this one?

Also, “he” said that success is sexy! I am working towards that!...

Oh by the way, no more blog post on third “he” date next week because I need to meet those corporate ppl. However, I took a raincheck. So there will be one and hopefully soon…*wink wink*

Come nearer, a question to ask

2004-11-03T11:12:00.000-08:00

Hey, come nearer...i need to whisper a question to you...how long will this happiness last?

No one must hear this otherwise they will think i am demented!

I am so so so happy! You won’t believe how much energy I had when I woke up this morning! I was up at 5.30am! That would make it 6 hours of dreamland. Normally, I will need 7 hours. Being rational (or lazy), I “forced” myself back into slumber land and woke up at 6.30am. I had a surged of energy and strength and happiness. Don’t ask me where that came from. I have no freaking idea! I was singing to Light&Easy’s tune as I cruise to work. This morning, I had the desire to just smile and laugh and smile and laugh. Everyone commented that I am very happy. I am happy to be at work, I am happy to be alive, I am happy being me! What a rare occasion. And to have nothing (i.e. no need for material presents or a guy to whisper sweet nothings) that hinges on my current state of happiness is SURREAL!

Yet, I am scared. Where does all this happiness lead to? When is it going to end? The beauty of depression is that you know you are at rock bottom and there is no other way that up. But when you are on cloud nine, it is scary being there. It is blissful but the question is when will it end?

See, I already think I am a bit neurotically, always on PMS mood swings!!!!

Initial Public Offer

2004-11-01T17:28:00.000-08:00

I excused myself to the toilet, looked myself in the mirror and burst out laughing! I am going out of my mind!!!!

I swear, things are getting damn weird at the moment! Director has decided to turn my stageplay into a hilarious comedy!!! My market value suddenly looks very enticing!!! WTF?!!!!

First thing that happened, he decides to call. My heart went on a roller coaster ride, reaching high before plummeting to the bottom just as severely.

Second thing that happened, another “he” decided to sms and ask me why didn’t I contact him for such a long time?! WTF??!!!!....*I wish I can muster the kind of feelings I had for the first “he”, but this second “he” just gives me the creep*

Thirdly, a “he” colleague decided to launch an Initial Public Offer with me as the share and serve me up for a lunch date with another “he”! WTF?!!! WTF?!!! WTF?!!!

Can you sense my frustration?! Can you sense my annoyance?!!!

Suddenly, I feel like a biatch on heat! It is f***ing embarrassing I tell you!!!

Have pity on me lar. Pls let all these disturbing “he” fade into the background. I am not pretty, I laugh a lot, I swear a lot….I love money and I love to shop!! So, just leave me be and let me BE!

Shu shu….

The only positive outcome abt this whole fiasco is that I get to blog blog and blog…heheheh…at least life is not un-interesting. So, expect a blog on my best friend’s engagement this weekend. Expect a blog on my lunch date with first “he” next Monday and another blog with third “he” the following day. And as for the second “he”……zzzzzzzzzzz

Stumbling upon faith

2004-11-01T11:37:00.000-08:00

Sunday was a tremendously uplifting day. I went to church and there was a host speaker. I was inspired by pastor’s words. The crux of the talk was giving one hundred percent to your endeavors. If you give strength, you will gain more strength. If you give, you will receive. WOW! Such powerful statements and so inspiring.

A person once asked me: How can you go from work to gym to studies? Siao!

At that juncture in time, I did not have a readily answer and was at lost as how to explain the burning drive in me. Now, I know the answer….I was destine to work and work I shall give a hundred percent. I exercise to give myself more strength and I study because I want to excel in my job. I also have fun after all that because I love to meet friends and share their daily experiences.

For a long time after my parents broke up and I completely lost faith in God, I finally stumbled back upon my faith in God. To believe in God (in any religion) does not require discovery of bones to show the existence of God like in the dinosaur era….to have faith is to stupidly, blindly and dumb ass-ly believing in God.

For stumbling, I have been blessed. For at the end of the stageplay, I want to stand before God, the director, and have God say: Well Done!

The dreaded "wedding" dinner

2004-11-01T08:37:00.000-08:00

IF you have been following my post, you know I went yadda yidda didda abt my friend’s impending wedding. Read that as a friend whom I was once closed to in uni days but fours years down the road, I don’t even know she gotten herself a bf when she decided to invite me for the wedding!

Well, heaving a sigh of relieve, it is finally over! Yippie!

And I went with a lot of expectation that it will be a total bore and it did live up to my expectation! It was a total bore! muahahahhaha

Having said that, I was pleasantly surprise to see old unimates, but only the male species…not the female species. After years apart, I got slimmer, prettier and smarter * I guess ler*….coz suddenly, I who pride myself for having an affinity with the female population of the world, lost my Midas “touch”. Suddenly, I was attractive to the guys (must be the really low cut dress I was wearing)…they wanted to chat with me, which was annoying coz there is really nothing much to talk abt….but what the heck, they were the only ones entertaining me….it felt sad that the girls no longer want to chat with me….never mind, I still have a lot of wonderful girl friends who are not threaten by my beauty * what beauty?...i don’t even possess any!!!*

Also, surprising on the upside was the fact that I was not “emotionally” disturbed by my friend’s wedding. I did not have the urge to grab the next man whom I see and get down on my knees and beg him pretty please to marry me! Hah!....I did not turn green with envy when my friend walked down the aisle with a gorgeous gorgeous wedding gown! I tell you, the wedding gown was amazingly gorgeous….to die for. That was probably the only thing that could turn me green with envy. I love clothes….

In fact, this time around, I was hit by commitment phobia. I felt like running miles and miles away when I saw my friend walking down the aisle. I have decided to give myself another 5 years to be completely unencumbered by commitment …..to be free and soar high….like a beautiful eagle….spreading its wing…

Cheating heart

2004-10-29T13:53:00.000-07:00

Because of one sms, my world started spinning out of axis again. Because of some casual playful words, my heart was lost again. Because of his voice, I lost all concentration on my work again!

Sigh…I am tired of repeating all the anguish of secretly liking him as more than friends. My friends are tired of hearing me analyze his every move. I feel bad lamenting.

This is a post to myself: Lets be friends. He might come in useful sometime in the future. For now, you are to concentrate on getting promoted, gym and studies. You must pass your damn exam. No more failing.

Sigh....friends, i need support at times like this!

Leleente ~ the world is but a stageplay, and what a wonderful world this can be….if only you will it to be!! I will be happy for happiness is the secret to freedom…

Popiah, pork noddles

2004-10-28T23:51:00.000-07:00

Popiah, pork noddles, spiced with f*** language and some good laugh

Had lunch with MrM. As usual, he makes life sooooo interesting.

He is getting married the Chinese way* in two weeks time. Naturally, the conversation revolved around the impending “disaster”, as he puts it, throwing a few f*** word here and there lar. But for your sanity, I shall censor it! I came back from too much laughter amidst sweating profusely trying to eat my pork noodles!! Being a good Samaritan, I shall spare you the ordeal! Hahahha

MrM’s quote for the day: “The one good way to kill a relationship is by getting married”

A warning to all the legitimate single bachelors out there: Don’t get married.

If you have the “itch” to get down on your knees and proposed eternal love, MrM’s advise: Scratch that “itch”, you stupid bastard! And don’t ever get down on your knees, you stupid f***er.

My advise: Think of responsibility because love does not exist on a particle of its own definition. It exist on the same axis as mutual respect, appreciation, gratitude, and above all a whole lot of responsibilities. Henceforth, getting married is such a load full of responsibilities that I shudder at the thought of it!

Anyway, the point of this post is not to super-impose my rather bias outlook on you. I just want to impart the hilarious conversation that went on the dining table…

MrM: I tell you, marriage is a dillutive earnings mergers. (Only if you have financial background, you will be able to appreciate this joke!). I mean, since I get paid more than her, her share price has risen while mine has fallen during the “acquisition period”. I tell you, this is one hell of an expensive asset!

Me: Relax friend! You must take into account “goodwill” cost…to be amortized in later years. This whole wedding dinner and peripheral expenses must be taken into consideration when she is doing the house work and laundry.

MrM: WTF?!!!What house work? What laundry?

MsQantas: Communicate with your wife and ask her to talk to your in-laws abt the wedding dinner expenses

MrM: What wife? *rolling on the floor laughing my ass off*

MrSoonToBeFather: Think of it as a “synergy” of assets. Welcome to the club my friend! *a camaraderie back pat*

MrM: This is all your fault! Why did you not give all the warning sooner!

MsQantas: Love is blind. Marriage is blind, deaf and dumb!

Hahahahha….being the youngest and least experience in the matters of the heart, I could only do one thing: ENTERTAIN myself silly!

* I am very opinionated on the topic of celebration of auspicious merger, the Chinese way! I had a conversation with Finland babe and she was taken aback when I vehemently dread attending a wedding dinner end of this month! *ARGH*…She said isn’t wedding parties suppose to be a lot of fun. When we depicted our definition of wedding dinner/ parties, we realize therein lies the problem. Gua lois just have fun! We throw a bloody banquet for 500 ppl…90% whom you only met once in your life!! As MrM puts it, what bloody “face”?!! To top that, chances are the bridegroom’s father will have a feast drinking away with his “kaki”…lets hope I never have to go thru that!

Altered paradigm

2004-10-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

I wish I didn’t have to tell you this, but it must be told. And yet, my heart aches as I spew the words.

How to construct this to make it sound less bleak? How to tell you this without losing much innocence? Am I just cynical or is this called growing into a mature stage?

She said that I am way too innocent. She expressed her motherly concern. Some time, I feel that she has outgrown me…yet, she is younger than I.

Wake up! People around me shriek! *shaking heads ~ pitying me my idealism*

Yet, I refuse! Grasp to the rapidly thinning thread of child-like faith and innocence with dear life.

WTF am I talking abt? Relationships *eyes rolling* of course. Specifically, male female rel, that involves more than just sex (i.e. sharing your bloody life with that one person, whom your deranged mind somehow recognize as soulmate)

My idealism: I believe in soulmates. I hold the belief that there is only one person whom I am meant to hold, respect and above all trust. This would be the definition of all encompassing love. “Trust” is the topic I dwell in most times. It is fragile and once broken, considered well…broken lar!

My cynicism: Rising evidence of infidelity everywhere you turn to…rather sad, but she said it must be accepted as hard cold reality!

The sadness in me comes from the recognition that I am slowing losing the child-like faith in a relationship and skewing towards the cynical part of me. And I don’t even need to experience infidelity….all I need to do is look around me and heard all the behind-bedroom door stories!

Is it wrong to believe? Is it not easier to trust?

A person close to my heart once asked: How can you only love one man? Do you not feel attracted to other man?

I answered: Of course you fantasize about other man…lust for them….wish they were yours…but actually putting your fantasy into action is all together different. An action is a conscious decision and as human being, you are only worthy of your actions. Hence, I am not saying I can’t love another. I am saying that I am human enough for that flaw but I am also human enough to stick by my decision of loving only one man!

And if you do have the urge to cheat, I think you must be smart enough to hide it!! FULL STOP!

One Heart

2004-10-27T08:36:00.000-07:00

"God gave you:

Two legs to walk
Two hands to hold
Two ears to hear
Two eyes to see

Buy why did God give us only one heart?

Because he gave the other one to someone for you to find" - www.PravsWorld.com

Ahhhh.....beautiful words to a start of a beautiful morning.

This fragile heart of mine sought for that one missing heartbeat. When will you come (if ever?!)…to complete this erratic heartbeat, to become complete.

But alas, to find makes it complicated. It is so confusing at times. It is so distracting and there is always the tendency to portray your Mills & Boons fantasy onto the relationship. Thinking abt relationship makes me want to pull the end of my hair roots out. Does experiencing it makes it any better? Do you feel like the sky is blue, the roses are red and your heart beat so very fast!! Is there a blissful existence and makes you sixteen all over again?

Do I wish to experience infatuation with the hope of one day defining love? Yes and yet the risk is overwhelming! Remember the first time you learn to ride the bicycle? I think starting a relationship is going to be like that. The probability of falling and hurting your knee is ridiculously high. On the other hand, the joy of free riding down the hill is also exhilarating!

Lucky

2004-10-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

This is one lucky draw no one wants!

Curse the “luck factor”!!!

When you really really wish for something, pray damn hard for it (for example him * wink wink*)….it almost never does materialize!

Turn the tables around and when you pray damn hard not to be the “lucky” one, the God of Lucks will miraculously smile and wave his magic wand so that “coincidentally” you will happen upon the grand prize!

This was what transpire during my morning meeting…it begun as a boring introduction to nature of corporate’s business. Naturally, I tried to battle the heavenly feeling of dozing off. It didn’t help that I, a small kuci rat, was sat smack right in the middle of two very important imposing figures. So, had to pretend that I knew my stuff yet again! *Just in case, they decide to offer me a job in their company*

It ended at the dot of twelve…yippieee…..time for lunch with MrM! Yippiee…we are going to River Money for some CD shopping *and maybe a pair of shoe in Vincci*??….

But before we end the meeting, emcee decided to throw in some fun to the rather bleak mid-morning by announcing that courtesy of the corporation, there will be five lucky draw winners. The prize would be a RM380 seminar on how to be a millionaire!! HA HA! *like real*

Something in me freaked out and hope against hope, my name was actually called. The chairman mis-pronounced my name. Suddenly, a glimpse of hope…maybe no one can recognize that name and I can pretend that it wasn’t me. But, heck, my company name was mentioned! Alas, I had to stand up and walk robotically towards the hands that were reached out to deliver the envelope (promising eternal wealth in a seminar!) On the back of my mind, I just wanted the floor to open and swallow me!

As I casually turned, I saw my colleague smirking! ARGH!!! Sheer bad luck, I tell you. Above all, embarrassment. I hate being the centre of attention in a conference/ meeting. It makes me feel all hot and flush…but not in the good way that s** would do…but urm, I don’t know how the latter "hot and flush" feels…*when I know, I shall be in better position to compare* ….chuckle!

The whole melodramatic circumstance was accentuated when ppl all around me commented that this must be my lucky day! Lucky my arse! A friend noted that this is the one lucky draw she did not want to win!! Damn right!

Friday nights...what a joy

2004-10-23T04:28:00.000-07:00

Ahhh...the bliss of Friday nights! There is always an electrifying excitement in the air on Fri-days. Or is it just me?

I caught the Friday night out culture when I was studying in Australia. They seem to make it a point to literally let down their hair, loosen their one week tensed shoulder and party the night away. There was once when I was shopping at Chapel Street and the sales girl asked where will I be partying tonight. Naturally, it was a Friday. And I was caught off-guard because I did not have plans to go out! From then onwards, I made it a point to make plans on Friday nights. It does not matter that I was just hanging out with friends in mamak, or in Savanh or a movie. I feel complete the minute I have a Friday night plan out. Otherwise, I fidget. *I miss Australia so much at the point in time*

However, being a smart ass that I am (pun intended), I decided to re-sit for my professional exam. I asked a friend once: Why are we torturing ourselves like this?

She reaffirmed my point that we are nothing more than a herd of cows stuck in the mass indoctrination of "society conformity". She said: Trying to prove that we are marginally smarter than the rest of the crowd. * Big fat laugh*.....

I lamented to my colleague that I can't seem to concentrate on my studies. Friday, Saturday and sometimes (alright, most times lar) Sunday nights I go out. Therein lies the problem, according to him.

He has a point! I need to study! I need to cut down on socializing....But, it is so much fun especially on Friday nights because everyone is in the mood to talk and laugh. Kinda make my whole hectic week worth while.

So, looks like i really need to cut down on my Friday nights and concentrate on my studies. But after Jun 05, I vow to party every other Friday night!

Friday for this week is gone. Had a good laugh. Made it all worth while.

3-inch stilettos

2004-10-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

Director said the role for today is corporate look.

Adorned in white pleated shirt (only worn on times when I need to make an impression), black pants and strip jacket from Naf-Naf. A strand of fresh pearls necklace. Make-up to portray a professional outlook*. Over-dosed in Polo Ralph Lauren’s Romance to last till the evenings (hahaha…bet you are shuddering rite this moment!). And, a three inch (ouch) stiletto to thud confidently as I strut for meetings completes the picture!

All doll-ed up; exuding in power, money and success. Watch out Wall Street – here I come.

Oh bugger, WS was a dream. JB is the reality! Muahahhaha…

Bloody had to wake up at 5am, caught train to KL Sentral (note: no chauffeur driver to pick me from my downtown penthouse..hahahha…so much for my wandering ideas ler). I must say that I was impressed by the amenities set up in KL Sentral and for once, a thumb up for convenience in Malaysian public logistics.

One sentence to sum up KLIA Express Train: world class standard! I was impressed.

As my 3-inch heels (pun intended) thuds confidently on KL Sentral’s polished tiles, I suddenly caught sight of an associate, who happens to be the organizer of this whole event. Disappointment! I wanted to read Nicholas Spark’s Notebook on the ride to the airport. I plan to have a quiet breakfast at McDonalds while reading more of Notebook. Unfortunately, it does not look like it is going to happen.

I have to put on my “I know a lot of things and I am smart” façade and pretend to know what the hell my job entails….i hate pretending I know my stuff when in actual fact, I know shit! Luckily, I can bull shit pretty well. Save my arse most times from falling flat faced in the “see hang” (shit hole). Hahahaha….i m giggling here ….imagining what a sight it would be to literally fall flat into “see hang” entangled in 3-inch heels!

So, had breakfast with him ler. He was nice, thank goodness! Regaled me with many horror tales of our industry. I happen to work in a “dog eat dog” environment characterized by many tiny people stepping on many tinier people to attain glory and power. Will I one day be the one stepping on others? I surely hope not. Which is why I constantly seek my friends to bring me back to being a humble being. I have this soul-warming friend whom I seek out everytime I feel that my ego has been inflated or deflated. She makes everything all rite. Like God’s healing hand.

But I digress. Fast forward to meeting with more corporates in JB. Damn, the factory was so huge that I was sweating profusely by the end of it! So much for maintaining a corp look! It is always exhausting playing the corporate role because I need to be attentive in meetings. Need to pretend to be “mannered” when what I really want to do is get up and walk around or swing my hands or yawn! The worst part of it all is having lunch in a nice golf resort and pretending I am full when in actual fact I can still eat!! Corporate lunches sucks! I gave credit to the corporate because as we were leaving, he remarked that we left two slices of mangoes, one slice of watermelon and honeydew for show! RESPECT!!

Returned to KL unscathed, mentally drained yet again. This time around, was able to dislodge myself from the crowd and made a lone journey home. Alternated btw reading Notebook and appreciating the ride.

In search for the corporate role in 3-inch stilettos…I found the passion for my work and 3-inch is BAD FOR YOUR FEET but such a confidence catalyst!!

Manolo Blahnik is my dream!! Stilettos are soooo made for successful woman!

*Read as: -

(1) Light foundation and not 3-inch foundation
(2) Enough blusher not to look sick or like you have had a bad hang over from ecstasy pills
(3) Two coats of mascara to give the impression you are attentive towards the idiot giving the presentation
(4) And a light color lipstick, not too glossy (look like you just relish a bowl of chips) or red (severely gothic)

At times like this

2004-10-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

We are heading towards the end of the year…ALREADY! And the “festival holiday” bug is getting me all excited about it already!!

Malaysia has so much beauty to offer…I have always reveled in growing up with a myriad group of friends that are of culturally different upbringing. I guess, in a way, our education system succeeded in drumming a bit of “keharmonian” in my life lar.

I adore Hari Raya. The fragrant ketupat, the spicy rendang, the fasting (in school, this translate to early release. In working life, no jam at Jln Tun Razak at seven pm)….the fasting period also brings along the “buka puasa” bazaar, which is gaining popularity. And like the change in a season, Hari Raya is the best time to walk aimlessly along Jalan Tuanku Abdul Rahman…you will be spoilt for choices in terms of fabric texture, colors, design for kebaya, baju kurung, and lovely lovely kerongsang.

I relish in the Festival of Light – Deepavali. Sarees, curry dishes, gathering amongst friends. Hmmm….lovely…I can’t wait to go saree shoppings with my friends. The vendors at Masjid India sells exotic accessories which I simply can't resist!

Christmas…ahh…what a wonderfully over-commercialize celebration. For both Christians and none-Christians alike, this is the time we make peace and offer praise to the Lord. This is the time we give love freely, swap court shoes for party shoes. This is the time I hear laughter everywhere. People are jovial; less condescending and more forgiving and of course, more giving…all the party poppers and presents! Christmas is a time where fair tales precede reality. A time when romance bloom, like in the summers (no doubt a success story of industrial big boys commercializing on wat was suppose to be nothing more than a family dinner)….And I have always always LOVED shopping malls decoration. I will go to all the major malls, sit down with a latte and do: (1) firstly, appreciate the creativity brains behind the beauty of the props, and (2) more importantly, smirk and get my kicks out of atypical Malaysian posing in front of the Christmas decos taking a snapshot. Hilarious, I tell you!

And after Christmas, there is the New Year! Another round of partying!!! Another reason to meet up with friends and more friends.

And then, Chinese New Year! More food, mandarin oranges, frizzy drinks, ANGPOWS (which I have already made provisions to buy a rather expensive handbag…hahahha). And money lost in the betting ring set up by conspicuous relative who always seem to have the “LUCK GOD” by his side! Damn it! Must stop gambling this year!!! But wat the heck, all in the name of good laughter and noise!

Ahhh….I am all game for the season of JOY!! Bring it on!

Princess cut Zara look-a-like

2004-10-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

Aha…a glorious morning!….happy happy feelings overwhelming the numbness that has rendered me “cold” these past few weeks! And I welcome this happiness with the unadulterated eagerness of a child embracing her first teddy bear

Sun shinning GLORIOUSLY ….sunshine can do wonders to perk up your day! Such “white chicken” (in Canto: pak chum kai) as I would need sunshine every morning…what with working 24x5 a week and all.

Oprah Winfrey loves to wake up an hour before the masses and go for her daily jog. It makes her feel as though she has “run a mile” - literally, and achieved much for the new day, the new beginning.

So much truth, so insightful. I use to wake up at 6.30am to hit the gym before heading off to work at 9am. It felt damn good! Exhilarated for the rest of the day! Felt like I achieved something significant. Made my daily routine less of a mundane ho-ha.

What I achieved that made my day? you ask. Foremost, I went for spinning yet again last nite. Always make me feel damn good as a breathing, feeling being!

On top of that (because I had a hefty lunch at Dome), I decided to throw more energy on the treadmill.

Followed by an arduous session with my instructor *lovely Lin* on stretching and abs! I sulked when she made me do more crunches but she said that I will feel good the next morning…and damn right I feel great now!

I also finished my Zara look-a-like princess cut halter dress. Designed, cut, sewn and worn by yours truly….La la la la la….i feel like singing on top of my lungs! The glee of not having to be a victim of over-priced clothing in Mid Valley is almost tangible!!....hahahaha….and my friend actually bought a RM900 Zara suit!

My dress probably cost me RM20 max!!!....

The gratifying part is the feeling of ACHIEVEMENT from your CREATION! It feels like giving birth *minus the physical pain, just frustration at certain point*

Leave you to decipher that….hope you will experience this glorious day for yourself in your own time…

Leave your script should you have a say…

More importantly, leave taking away a lil’ debris of my happiness…which is yours to share

Fishing

2004-10-12T19:37:00.000-07:00

The time is 7pm. I should be working because work never seem to diminish…and talk abt Law of Diminishing Utility (i.e. if you whack one Big Mac, you will love it, if you whack two, you are loving it…and it is save to say that more than two, you will feel like puking!) …ok..this is ranting.

But I have an urged to blog badly…so here I am again.

One saint, one MrM and one 18 year old girl (who happens to date the son owner of a complex strategically located at a junction)…told me this: getting a chick/dude is equated to refinement in fishing techniques

First time I heard this theory (saint) – I roll over the floor and laugh so much my tummy ache
Second time I heard this theory (MrM) – I said: can I pls read your comic now? *kononnya, the theory was made practical in a comic he was reading*
Third time I heard this theory (Ms.18) – I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me because I felt old and inexperience at the same time! Very me-malu-fying!!

The story:
(I shall use the male species in elaboration of the theory, but having said that, go ahead and try it girls…I have concensus saying it works if you are trying to bait the guys too)

Courtship is analogous to a nelayan’s day at work. Nelayan dress appropriately i.e. so that he does not get burn from the heat, then heads out to the open sea equipped with baits to attract the many fishes…

Awaits patiently for the one of the many school of fishes to bit the bait..then the nelayan tighten the strings. The fish struggle.

Nelayan release the fish string, deceiving the fish into thinking that it has won the battle…but alas, the final rush to tighten the strings would ensure that the nelayan has the last laugh….So, with his winning, he gently treasure the fish in his ice box. Victorious smile on his face as he turns to the wide open sea again and “fish” again…

The analysis:

(1) Refining your fishing skills ensure you emerge the victor…which explains why the human species spend most waking hours worry abt their public façade…be it trying to be beautiful, smarter, richer, faster etc

(2) Emulating words uttered from Ms.18 and MrM’s comic: Guys, for some preserve reason, likes to be keep “salivating”. Firstly, you will need to work on his interest on you. This is to be followed by a period of playing it cool. Then with the right timing, tighten the string. And voila, that will be the catch of the day!

(3) Treasuring the catch does not mean you should not go on fishing…just maybe don’t put it in the same ice box?....

My opinion:

As much as I advocate that this theory has its merits in such modern world, I can’t help but sigh when I think abt it. My heart is so laden by this bitter analogy that I bleed for romance…like a dumb girl that I am. I don’t want to play games. I want only what belong to me…I don’t want to go out just to meet new friends, I don’t want to join society or clubbing just to network, I don’t want anything. I just want…

Finland: one babe, the country, the culture

2004-10-11T15:15:00.000-07:00

Friday nite: La Bodega...no biggie deal, just want to highlight one salient fact about a Malaysian earning Malaysian average wages....there is simply no bloody way we can afford to hang out in places like La Bodega...for four person, bill came to RM200 for less than one and a half hour of yakking!! Bloody hell....staying in Malaysia, earning RM and trying to live like lords is merely impossible...luckily, there is the "company" to foot the bill... LOL

Finland: one babe

Saturday: went shopping with Finland blonde babe...she was nice and of course i had to pay for lunch coz it is just common Malaysian hospitality..but admittedly, she did not take the hospitality for granted and bought me a nice party ring from Azzexx...wonder why i choose to buy it though..not that i ever go clubbing anymore....

It is true that a woman scrutinize another woman more intensely than a guy...come to think of it, a guy just mentally strip the woman rite?...she has lovely skin and real blonde hair...quite good with her make-up skills, lovely clothes...and pretty shoes...not to mention a "to-die-for" Burberry pink label tote....hmmm....a girl can't help but envy (and guys can't help but envy me for having her to myself for 5 hours!!)...she even smell good...sigh...i need a manicure real soon...and a facial too...and new bags..and new shoes!!! muahahahhaha

Finland: the country

(1) 3 million ppl (equivalent to KL population)... AND more importantly, alot of blonde guys...note: i did not mention cute! but what the heck, i will take any

(2) vast, un-spoilt land...during summer, Finland babes and hunks retreat to their summer cottages for a vacation....

(3) Benefited from EU formation...strengthen Finland economy

(4) Car taxes are at 60% (although quite high in the european nations, still relatively low in comparison to the malaysian approx 100% tax)

(5) Public transportation is efficient and it is the norm to use public transport...they have tubes that run every 2 min

(6) Staple food: diary products, fish and potatoes

Finland: the culture (Finland babe vs. cina ah lian)

Culturally speaking, they are brought up in such different circumstances compared to atypical chinese malaysian girl.

(1) In Finland and also in most northern European nations, once you finish high school, regardless of gender, it is the norm to shift out and be independent. *for a moment here, i imagine all the good partying that comes with such practices at the age of 17*

Cina ah lian stays with family until marriage. Then, if lucky, honeymoon with just hubby...if not so lucky, honeymoon with hubby and immediate family...and if luck is totally down, honeymoon with hubby's family and extended family

Sigh....although i have nothing against the cina ah lian's way of life, i would want to own an apartment on my own and throw parties and cocktail drinks and movie nights with friends...

(2) Higher education is actually free in Finland. On top of that, government actually has a merit system and everyone gets a monthly subsidy from the government. Finland babe was given sufficient subsidy to cover her rental. She works weekends for books, entertainment, transportation and food. According to her, although she could asked for money from her parents, it would be rather embarrassing to do so...

damn it..yours truly cina ah lian here was still taking allowance until 21....and unshamelessly at that too!! She has been working on the weekends for 7 yrs!!.... Henceforth, you get independent mature 21 yrs olds….who can :-

(1) handle cash flow (for those who can’t, no worries - credit card debts are the norm),

(2) socialize and party as they like (from my stand point, this sounds amazingly fun and at the same time too unprecedented it becomes somewhat creepy should we throw this lifeline to our society) An interesting fact to note is that in southern Europe (i.e. Italy, France etc), the kids only move out to roam the world when they are 21…i.e. after a decent college degree.

Ahhhh…the wonders that can never be mine…and yet, I m happy I had my own experiences

Finland babe!

2004-10-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

Another interesting aspect of my job includes playing baby-sitter to clients in town…especially the ones coming from far away Nordic lands…..

Salient feature of my Thursday night:-

(1) Had drinks with Finland client who turned out to be a babe (see below for a description). First thing I wanted to do was pick up my mobile and start calling single guy friends out to check out the newest stuff and in the process elevate my status quo to super guru

(2) Company foot for drinks at 12SI and also a delectable dinner at Mandarin Oriental Lai Poh Heen. Whack like crazy!! Scallops, tiger prawns…etc..

Pertaining to point (1) : One word: HOT!!

Mid twenties…sexy, pretty, blonde blonde hair…and the most alluring feature: smart and successful… Hits the gym too….DAMN…makes me want to put in additional 10 hours and rise to her level! She is a manager in charge of the asian markets.

I have always adored meeting new ppl…the mystique, the excitement…the learning of new cultures…always intriguing…making life more exciting and berable

It will either make or break my day! In this instances, I went home, although undeniably tired and brain dead, with a beating excitement that always come when you found a jewel….

I now officially have a friend in Luxemburg, who also happened to have a summer cottage in Finland. Cool eh? I thought so too…so allow me this moment of gloating.

Phenomenal

2004-10-07T15:06:00.000-07:00

Woman, if we are not great...we can only be phenomenal!

Raise your glasses, go get your guy and seize the world ...in your PURPLE HAT!

With the norm of “forwarded” emails, you will sometime happen across thought provoking articles…

It will make you want to move your lazy butt off the chair, take your eyes, that seconds ago were glued to the PC and MAKE an impact in this place we call home….

My friends, go get the job you always wanted, go and tell your boss you deserve a promotion ( I am going to get myself promoted too….), tell your bf you deserve more than his five seconds (both emotional and sexual play!!)

For my single friends: GO OUT, MEET the guy, or any guy….go to the gym, change you outlook if you are not happy abt it….go to ZARA…get yourself two things – a power suit (FOREWARNING: it cost a mighty RM900/suit) and a slut dress…with plunging neckline…all for one thing : WE LIVE TO HAVE FUN IN A PURPLE HAT!!

* IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck (written after she found out she was dying from cancer) *

Salient points from the article (so that I won’t bore the shit out of you…like me, you probably read this a zillion times!!)

~ I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

~ I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

~ I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

~ When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

~ Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can't go to school looking like this!)

Age 20: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going out anyway.

Age 30: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway.

Age 40: She looks at herself and sees "clean" and goes out anyway.

Age 50: She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a PURPLE HAT and goes out to have fun with the world.

Cheerios girls!

Rantings abt love-less life...

2004-10-06T22:19:00.000-07:00

Having said that, my life is close to perfect!! Amazing friends, supportive family, never had to worry abt lack of a comforting existence, bloody hell...i even got my DREAM job!

Albeit that, i still rant, rant and rant....When i lament to cuz that i do not have a love life...(and my friend, i meant it! Not just at the moment thing. I REALLY have not had, still not having and potentially might not have....a bloody love life!) she said: "God is fair. You can't have everything"!!!! Bugger!

Does it matter? Does it REALLY matter? Yes it matters coz it is the stupid "marriage season" month * OCTOBER*...everyone is tying the knots in this so-called "PROSPEROUS EVERYTHING WILL TURN OUT GREAT" month of 8!!

Got invited to a wedding end of this month. Prompted me to be on a strict diet...(hmmm...having said that, i ate a hefty lunch followed by cheese cake from Starbucks this afternoon)...trying to look svelte in a purple dress on 30 oct....(unlikely, which means i will need the special effect of Triumph's bustier!!)...

It got worst because i actually went out on Saturday nite to grab my invitation card...damn...She was glowing and always touching her hubby. Worst part: her hubby is gorgeous, a religious person and damn, the field is always greener on the other side ain't it?...showed us their wedding photo!!!! Hatred starting to rise!

Wanted to leave very badly. Made up a lame excuse! Which also made me lied!

Me: Need to go now

They didn't let me go....

Me: Sorry, must really scoot coz my FRIEND is actually waiting for me...he has been waiting for a while ler

They: Oh, why didn't you bring along? Cute or not?

Me: No lar, not presentable (apologize to the non-existent person)...no none ler... JUST a friends...tat is why i didn't bring along to introduce!

They: Ok lar...have a wonderful time dating! Btw, pls come to my house for bridal shower on 29 Oct...

Me: Ar...ar...ar...(mind refuse to register this is happening!!)....ok..(I DUG MY GRAVE AGAIN!!)

NOTE: The friend is IMAGINARY! No such person exist...i just wanted to go home, wash up and cry cry cry....

As Suanie puts is eloquently, i want to be on first billing!!! ARGH!!!

When stressed, the one number you dial

2004-10-06T17:13:00.000-07:00

NO...it ain't the phone sex service hotline!!

If you have been reading my posts, you will understand a few things I love abt my work …one of which includes colleagues who are sweethearts.

All my life, I have been rather skeptical (to the point of being a sour grape, dare I add) abt the species called men, save for my dad, uncle and grandpops…

why, you ask?...sigh…dunno ler, can give you the following reasons but even I still can’t find the cause to it…

best part of my life, been in girl school…not exposed to guys and although it has been 25 years…you would expect me to grow up and learn to appreciate guys (i.e. when I am feeling horny and all slut-ty ler)

But nooooo…always tot they were scumbags…good for nothing brainless wankers…only good to you when they are in the fishing mode!!

However, this negativity actually diminished some what when I started working in my present company. I can’t justify save for saying that my workmates showed me the beautiful side of men…phew….they might have just saved me from turning lesbo without them knowing…if they knew, they would think to themselves, saved a soul today ~ hence, added one mili-second before “end of world”…

My company has an open policy, i.e. no cubicles, and everyone can hear me flirting on the phone if I m not hush enough…actually, it is a Penang-based company…so “open policy” was to put it nicely…kiam siap sounds more like it…doesn’t help things that this company is also a joint venture with a company based in Kiasu-land…Singapura…(no offensive my dear Singaporean friends…mua mua…love you the same)

I digress. Back to the point. I notice tat when my colleague get all worked out abt well, work, he calls his wife.

MrSweetheart (in a hush sexy voice) : Loh poh (darling), how are you?

* can’t hear the other side*

MrSweetheart: Busy ar?

Loh poh talk

MrSweetheart: No lar, just calling to see how are things…

Loh poh talk

MrSweetheart: Nothings lar…so, wat are you doing?

Loh poh talk

MrSweetheart: Ok lar. Bye.

Me thinking: WAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!!!...

I “theorized”: when he is stressed, loh poh is the one person/thing that will soothe his strung nerves.

There is no message in the tele-conversation, just the fact that he hears her voice makes everything ok and fall into perspective again…says a lot abt their relationship..and mind you, they have been marriage for more than five years!!

In conclusion, everyone has the one person to call when they are really pissing off work…or is it the other way around?

So, who is that one person for you? For me…..my best friend.

Saturday ~ and it poured

2004-10-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

Two couples, one mighty hurricane and coffee on a faithful Saturday afternoon….hmm….just like in the Hindi movies!

Anyone guilty of being a Hindi romance movie sucker? I am…love Khabi Kushi Khabi Gham….love Sharul Khan…love the OST

Friends asked what is the secret to an A1 in additional maths…

Answer: Sunday matinee Hindi movies, preferably with Sharul Khan as lead actor…the beauty of watching TV coupled with a language I didn’t comprehend other than “tum”, was that it becomes much easier to concentrate on algebra and geometrics.

(1) Watching TV deceived my brain into thinking I wasn’t actually studying…channeling “feel good” hormones to other parts of the body…allowing me to relax…which ironically allowed me to load more maths jargon in my pea brain.

(2) The fact that it is a Hindi movie means that I wasn’t distracted by the singing and the “tum”s….again, allowing me to concentrate on my maths problems…

But I digress. I finished my Saturday fashion designing class at 4pm……it was pouring…my school is smack right in front of bustling Plaza Bukit Bintang. There is a Muller kiosk (and for the benefit of all PJites, they don’t sell mag or cigies..they sell german sausages and drinks) in front of the school. I didn’t bring an umbrella and abhorred the idea of being all drench and miserable. So waited for the pour to recede.

Incidentally, there was a growing crowd taking refuge from the rain at the foyer of my school.

(now imagine you are watching a snippet of a Hindi love story at Muller open air cinema…)

Two love birds sipping their ice-blended whilst it pours.

Couple 1: Girl smile coyly. Guy does all the talking. Trying to impress the girl. Girl looked smitten. That seem like a good sign. Bravo boy, you caught your fish…

At that moment, Heavens decided to open its dam gates and crash came the heavy down-pour.

Couple 1 smartly decides to exit the play and join the audience at the foyer. They ran across. They made it safely. Girl laughing all the way. Guy still talking…*Cupid is being unfair!! Where is my fair share? I want my soulmate and I want him NOW*

Surround sound effect got a beefing up from the element called “wind”. Whoosh whoosh….Spectators had to take refuge behind the glass doors of the foyer.

Couple 2: Still chatting away …oblivion to the chaos created by the rain and wind ~ all in the name of LOVE.

* the wind was mighty…a table and three chairs overturned, a potted plant came crashing down*

….they were still glowingly sipping their ice-blended coffee..soaking in the ambience and raindrops..*obviously lar*…poor guy was drenched.

I : Shit, those guys are not fretting abt the rain?!

Friend: Love is a wonderous thing

I : Albeit stupid. We are laughing at these two jokes….having said that, I m enjoying myself counting the minutes before they decide to run for cover.

Friend: For them, this experience is a hallmark to their relationship. They will look back and think to themselves, we were young once, in love and soaking in KL’s pour….ah… ah...the beauty of life!

I : *LOL* What ever lar… This is free entertainment,man

They did not pursue the countrship in the rain long though (maybe because there were no trees to play hide-and-seek and no Hindi-upbeat-OST to accompany the play)…

In less than 10 mins, they chicken-ed out…took cover…sigh…end of my rather entertaining Sat afternoon.

Laughing my ass to Sg Wang to do shopping.

New York gym!!

2004-10-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

My New York friend read my Shower Bliss post and shared:

Relax my friend. It is normal to get turn on. I had the same experience. In fact, in New York it is much worst. The girls strut around with nothing but glistening skin everywhere in the shower room. From young chick with firm breast, to hot 20-30 year old babes...to mak cik and datins with bulges all in the wrong places and orange peel...and also nenek with sagging breast!

Euww....if I ever be 80 yrs old and have sagging breast like that...pls kill me! No wait, i will kill myself first ...

LOL

Beach Club,drinks...and MrM

2004-10-03T13:06:00.000-07:00

Friday: Always wonderful coz everyone around you are actually cheerful. I was estatic...because TONIGHT I get to go off for drinks with MrM and my workmates.

*wink wink ~ straight short ah lian eyelashes* The life of a cosmopolitan gal...*emptiness* rising again!

A round of beer at beach club with my workmates (actually more than one lar *cheeky smile*)...damn but i genuinely love them..i m grateful everyday for heavens actually heard my prayer and present me with the greatest gift...my dream job. Complete with a lovely box and ribbons (i.e. my wonderful workmates and a great great boss).

As usual, after a few drinks....tongue loosen and it is so much more fun talking.

If you don't understand why your man want a drink on the weekend with his friends...let me ease your confusion.

It is damn FUN! Pure simple FUN!...unadulterated FUN! (i.e. no need for Brad Pitt to elevate you to cloud nine in TROY...sigh...gorgeous-ness)...just a gang of ppl who seem to click, who are open to any conversation...chatting and laughing their ass away!Damn it is fun! And then go home to their love ones and cherish their family...that my friends, is what a good life is all about!Nothing shoddy in drinking, no extra-marrital affairs...just platonic friends hanging out bitching abt work and life in general!

Beach Club hosted Eka girls...transverse, trying to make a living...no grudge against them..but their dancing was horribly...and don't have to mention their singing...phew!! it was quite terrible.

MrM: Correct me if I am wrong, girls hate giving a blow job rite?

Me and Ms24-yr-oldQantas-Pilot-Intereted-In-Her: Yeah!!
(I don't know on first account...never having the privelege of trying before...but concensus I have read says they hate it)

MrM: But girls love it when men get down on you rite?!! (puzzlement and damn-it-is-unfair look)

Me: What to do? Girls rule!

MsQ: Ok, let me ask...you like it when your wife give you one rite?

MrM: *grin* not answering

MrM: *in an attempt to change topic* Damn, young girls nowadays are DAMN hot!!

Me: Thank you.....LAUGHTER all around *raise my glass for a clink clink of beer bottles all around*

MrM: Yeah *put his hands round my shoulder in a camaraderie sense*

DAMN it felt good to be out and having FUN...we even played a game of "beer games"....actually i have only played twice...but MrM has played so many and some are so wild that the bet gets higher than just drinking to girls french-ing girls and guys giving guys a wild kiss! Euwww......imagine that!!

MrM: I find that as I age (he is but in his late twenties), I am past the age of clubbing and wild sex. I no longer think of sex as merely a gratifying act...sex is more ....it no longer is an act... it is much more satisfying to make love to the one woman whom you can trust in this bleak world!! It is abt spirituality and an element that can't be expressed in words...

Me, MsQantas and another silent workmate: Nods around and click click of beer glasses....

CHEERS!!

Honda Show Room....

2004-10-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

A guy was once advised: She may not be the brand you want. You want a Honda VIOS. But what the heck, try Honda City first lar (since she is ready to be driven on the road and for VIOS, you will still need to be on the waiting list...not to mention more expensive). You may find that you can actually learn to like a City because it is economical, comfortable and relatively safe. She may not be show room quality but why not just TRY?

LOL!!! Damn funny! Laughing my ass off the chair here....

In my opinion, this statement is probably more relevant for the female gender rather than the male species. For guys, the chase...i.e. Honda VIOS probably exude more allure ...and hence, mystery will make them go for the kill....

For a girl, second best i.e. Honda City, is probably not that bad lar....save car, nice looking car...can consider lar...why not try first rite?

Wake up girls! We live in an unfair world...you think you are trying...but girls are made to be able to love and guys are born to love...get it? Girls can learn to love, guys must love before making the kill....so, don't settle for second best unless you think it may be at par with show room quality!!....You might get hurt in the process....

JAC...to vote or not to vote, that is the Q

2004-10-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

Received a sms from a friend at 10.00am, Sunday 3 Oct 2004:
Pls vote for a friend's daughter on Malaysian Idol. Key in: Jac and send to 33308. Voting closes today. Thanks. Get your friends to vote if you can.

So my question is: To vote or not to vote for JAC?

I shall vote because of TWO things:-

(1) I am a Malaysian. Malaysians have a distinctive behaviour of "Eh, do me a favour as a friend lar" or "Give face give face lar"....I am guilty of it, you are guilty of it...this,my friends, is called LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD where HUMAN INTERACTION is the CRUX of everything. You help me, I help you.....the art here is to know the limits of "helping a friend"

(2) Which brings me to my second reason. I was at Bkt Bintang and heard Jac's live performance. She has voice...still wet behind the ear but through experience, she will grow. Hence, I really believe she has potential. She also has the "star" factor given a bit of grooming from all the media professionals.

Hence, based on these reasons....i believe it is justified that I vote for Jac. Oh yeah the other reason is a personal battle against all other girls who only vote because they are infatuated by looks.

Dwen and frenchie girl said that chances are Vic is gonna snag it coz he has loads of fans...albeit, young immature girls, who can't differentiate a bountiful voice deserving merits from their rioting hormones at the mere looks of Vic....So, Jac...this is FOR YOU!!!!

Good luck and if nothing else, one girl here believe you will make it....

Half a carat or three carats?....

2004-10-01T10:28:00.000-07:00

Had a really challenging day yesterday!

Work was great ~ I always like a good challenge. I think I make a better employee when my ass is on the line. Can’t reaffirm how much I love my work! And my colleagues and my wacky boss! I am reading up on baby diapers now. Will update you abt it when I am done!! Among all the subjects I have researched on, I hate IT sector the most! I suspect it is one of those things that guys created just to get back at girls for conjuring COSMOPOLITAN magazine!!!.....what the hell is giga bytes, mega bytes….bloody geeky tech ppl….get a life ler…kidding lar (I bet I m offending a lot of cyber savvy ppl here)…if it makes you happy (hum to the tune, you geek), I think it is a great sector i.e. IT…I just never quite got the hang of it though…

Lunch was a surprise (Mrs Baskaran taught me to differentiate shock from surprise….shock is nasty surprise, surprise is nice shock…get it?)…met up with high school friends. Physically, they look the same as ten years ago.

But my GAWD, they have progressed to the next level in life called: COMPLACENCY….

Read that as ready to settle down. Which comprise the following :-

(1) get married
(2) take a load shit of commitments (to your family, to his family, to his religion, to the institution called marriage, to your unborn-but-already-named children, to your career, to BILLS)
(3) payment to COMMITMENTS: house mortgage payment, phone bills, electricity bills, school fees for their unborn-but-named kids, university savings…..

Shit…this is really scaring me man. I may be 25 but I feel like a 21 ….just wanna have fun (again, pls add pun by purring to the tune…girls just wanna have fun)

And I think to myself, I am but 25….that is damn young to take a shit load of responsibilities….lets say hypothetically I live till 70, I will start worrying abt responsibilities when I am 35!!...Half is fair – thank you very much.

I don’t want complacency…how can they be so ready for this?!! How?!

Dinner ~ met uni mates for dinner. Friend showed her wedding ring. I was shocked!! It was too small….is there such a thing as one quarter of a carat diamond ring? Coz it looked like a ring that I can afford to buy for myself off Diamond&Platinum! First thing that crosses my mind, can’t she do better? I bet you are going to tell me, don’t look at material things…at least he has a house (just started mortgaging)….at least he is a nice, decent guy….religious too…

DAMN IT! That is crap shit! Wedding is once a lifetime thing (at least in my world lar)….the bloody man better save more than sufficient if he bloody wants to propose!

She is not going to run…a girl, once in love, is sooooo stuck to you…it is worst than UHU glue!!! If you are going to subject her to 356 x 30 yrs (arbitary) of housekeeping management, the least you could do is get her a proper ONE carat Tiffany (no less phullllezzzz) forever diamond ring…complete with baby blue box and navy ribbons!

Guys – this is to offset the “chance” of you cheating on her when you get the seven or ten or twenty years itch in your crotch! I think it is juz FAIR!....

For you I am grateful....

2004-10-01T07:55:00.000-07:00

“The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.” - Anonymous

Before I start, allow me qualify: I don’t think I am a party clubbing happening girl. But I sure am a girl with loads of great friends.

I sometimes feel like a diamond miner (an analogy of my friends) ….

diamonds are of course a girl’s best friend…don’t quote me, quote Tiffany

Along the way, discard stones of no value.
Along the way, rub against few precious stones…shimmered but too expensive to mine
Along the way, fell down. Got dirty. Got cut. Got hurt.
Along the way, happy to see 3 carat diamonds only to be disillusion by the temporary glitters it offered
Along the way, learned to analyze the different degree of brilliance
Along the way, found my DIAMONDS

Was on line with a good friend. Known her for donkey years. When I lamented abt lost love, she chided:

Do you know it is bloody hard to even find a guy who can REMOTELY match you.

JUST then, I felt my world stopped spiraling down! Everything will be OK.

My friends think I am OK……I don’t care if everyone in the world dies tomorrow, but I will care if you fell sick tomorrow.

To all my friends, it is never enough….DIAMONDS!!

Shower bliss...

2004-09-30T13:32:00.000-07:00

Again, could not quite resist spinning classes last night. Again, EVERYTHING hurts!!!...still sore from the last round but went back for MORE!

However, the class got better this time around because a "mat salle" ACTUALLY joined the class. I think he is a DJ or something…coz he had that sorta aura! Very very fit…*swooning*….beautiful biceps and triceps…bet he has no problems wat so eva getting girls and guys alike! Depending on his orientation la.

A tip for girls who wants to jump on the “gym-ing” culture: make sure you choose a gym that throws in “gorgeously fit aka Brad Pitt” guys as an added sweetener! (Don’t care if he is single/ attached/ engaged/ married/ old/ young/ gay or bi-sexual)….JUST GET GORGEOUS GUYS IN YOUR GYM!!

Trust me…you will loose pounds like you never had with this sweetener, baby!!!!

When I was gym-ing in PJ two years back, there was this gorgeous “Mr. thigh-muscle” “mat salleh” guy who jogs 30 min 3x a week. And I know for a fact that he has a girlfriend as she is also a gym buff (a lanky cina girl). Regardless of the fact that he is pratically married to the cina girl, I still got kicks out of jogging in close proximity with him!!…In fact, that must be how I went from a speed of 7km/hr to 10.5km/hr on the treadmill….the adrenaline rush was AWESOME….

Then these past few weeks, I notice this other cina guy religiously going to gym at a certain time and does a routine of cardio, weight and stretching….and pilates too. So, yours truly is hitting the gym and more specifically the treadmill, the weight room and pilates classes OF COURSE!...

Ok back to last night ~ gym was packed! A lot of girls rushing to shower! ARGH! Couldn’t find a shower cubicle…hence, had to wait…

I can tell you for a fact that any guy (at least the straight and bi) would ENVY my circumstances then….

The cubicles had "nouvo" glass doors…i.e. snow-sprinkled semi-transparent.

The effect:

(1) very erotic…damn it! Felt like I was stepping into a harem or transported back to eras of the exotic Ching dynasty!
(2) you can see the outline of curves and I tell you, it was a real turn on (this coming from a straight girl!! Guys would be palpitating away)….

(3) can’t actually see the faces (which adds to the aura of remaining mysterious)

(4) you can almost feel the glistening smooth skin

(5) actually disguise all fat and orange-peels (hurray!!! If only life was like a snow-sprinkled semi transparent shower door!!)

(6) girls uses all kind of sweet smelling shower products (another turn on)

The consequences:

(1) you will question if you are REALLY REALLY straight to get so bloody turn ON!!

(2) OR, take an extra long towel and wrap it over the cubicle door when it is your turn to shower….

But since I have worked so damn hard for a bod I now have, not perfect but loving it in the process, I am going to go bare skin!!!!!

Ciao ciao..

He

2004-09-28T17:59:00.000-07:00

HE, who came, whom I would gladly followed ~ left my play

He came….not quietly…not unassumingly…more like a tornado and I felt like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz….surreal… leaving me with a “lost-in-darkness with a goat-playing-the-violin” after-taste

Swept me off my structured world of working from 7am to 6pm, followed by a grueling session in the gym…swept me to a far away land called “SURREAL”

As Hugh Grant put it is succinctly: “Surreal but nice”….

He had a husky sexy voice. I imagined a lanky person immaculately dressed in working attire. But you know what they say abt men with sexy voice?! *sigh*

We met

Alas, he was a disappointment (physically at least!!). Short…horrible hair!...can’t quite pin point, but there is definitely something wrong with his LOOKS (ok, concede..it is not that bad lar…this is vengeful, rejected Leleente venting out)..no dress sense wat so eva!!

Having said that, dinner was splendid! Put me at ease. Was able to open up. Talked and laughed so much my jaws were left open and my dimples went into overtime. We talked for hours.

That is amazing record for me because most times when guys speak, i will have “ally mcbeal”’s urge to cut their tongue or go inside their brains to check if they actually have one!!

Hence, I fell spiraling down…hence the saying goes:

"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind" – A Midsummer Night’s Dream, William Shakespeare

I made him Stay A WHILE….

2004-09-28T14:51:00.000-07:00

I was on cloud nine…always wanting to pick up the damn phone to call him….finding stupid excuses just to meet up. At the same time, feeling shit and sweet. One minute he is flirting (well, at least I think he was)…another minute he is so damn fuck**** cool…

I was so confused, having never played courting games….(only tennis and squash alikes)…that I couldn’t quite interpret the meanings… For once in my life, I found myself reading “relationship” articles on CLEO!! And doing one of those really really stupid quiz with catchy titles like: Is he your dream guy? Or Are you compatible?!! Shit, this is degrading!!..

Where the hell are the written rules? Do they say things like: no marking shoes in the court?

How are points won? In tennis, every point won earns you 15 marks…where in heaven’s name are the RULES?

That is the problem ain’t it? There is, technically speaking, no RULES what so eva. No winners and no losers ain't it?

Curtain call..he exit on half time

2004-09-28T14:46:00.000-07:00

Gently but surely…the calls faded…or maybe it wasn’t there in the first place..

You are beautiful in your own ways. Surely you will find a guy who will appreciate you for who you are.

He said goodbye so poignantly, my heart bleed.

I thought we “click”
I said a prayer: Thank you dear heavens for playing “cupid” and in this lifetime, rejoin us.
I think to myself “SOULMATE”

His only thought was focus on sex (this much I know is TRUE!)
But whether he thought I was delicious enough to savor…remains an unsolved mystery. guess not lar...

I am a hopeless romantic. I am head-strong. I still want to believe I found my soulmate in him.

Friends say: “Aiyah, there is no such thing called soulmate”…just like they tell me: “There is no such thing called dream job”. That is BULLSHIT!

BITCHES, THEY ARE JUST JEALOUS….because I have dreams…they don’t…they have been disappointed….but so have I…but I still believe…

I want to believe in soulmates!

*Mental note: notice I did not say he is my soulmate…does that mean I don’t think he is my soulmate or are my friend’s hopeless ranting about no soulmates really seeping thru my idealism? *

Will we ever know?

Will we ever know whether he is the one or do we settle for second best (simultaneously deluding ourselves into thinking he is the ONE) because one these reasons:-

(1) he is a responsible guy

(2) he has a good upbringing

(3) he seem to LIKE me MORE than I like him….?

No bloody way! What abt the sighing and the swooning or the quicken heartbeat just to hear his voice, utter his name, feel his biceps? What abt hot exciting love making in the heat of the day?

Finale:

Love isn’t a decision. It’s a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simplier, but much less magical.
~ Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Chef Aid, 1998

Bitch!

2004-09-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

I had a fairly wonderful time on friday nite...went to meet up with my best friend, coffee over live music...heavenly. Now - that is what I call a LIFE!!!

Saturday went for my fashion designing classes....Ooooh-ing and ahhh-ing over a fashion mag that probably had almost 200 pictures of male model!!! complete with mini-skirt (aka kilts), thigh muscle, hairless chest over a tartan looking vest...OMG.....*swooning*...and i had to fight over the mag with two gay friends and one super hot frenchie gal...BITCH!!!!...muahahahahha ....

Adjourned to coffee bean, mid valley. Had another heart-to-heart talk with frenchie gal. Gawd – I am beginning to wonder if I am actually straightl!!!!! AM I a lesbian?

I am beginning to wonder a lot lately. I don’t deny I can be smitten by a smart-ass-in-the-mouth guy who calls me princess and says sweet dreams…but most guys I encounter are either superficially stupid or just plain stupid!!?!!

What is an intelligent gal like me suppose to do? Settle for a dumbwit or be a lesbian? Girls are so intellectual, so in-touch-with-their-feelings….ARGH!!! Frustration!!

Anyway, that was beside the point. After coffee, went to meet friends and friend’s girlfriend. GAWD!! What a capital B!!

She sat coyly in navy blue esprit jacket. Long artificially re-bonded hair. Unpolished nails holding out a mobile phone. Looks like she is playing a game stored in her mobile.

Bitch said: Hi! I am P.

Sat down, continued playing her game. Didn’t bother making small talk. Didn’t bother looking up from her mobile. Brought out her Louis Vuitton clutch bag. Took out her boyfriend’s cigie. Continue playing her game.

I thought to myself: “What a BITCH!!”…no respect for decorum watsoeva…and she is 26 yrs old! Old enough to learn manners!

This re-affirms my point of view: In the looks department, she was not quite crème brulee but passable as a sweet jello. But this jello comes with rat poison (i.e. bad inner quality)…that makes her UGLY!!!

Eks!! Wicked……respect!!

My friend’s response when asked for my opinion on her!

A beautiful morning!

2004-09-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

The sun shone so brightly today, I was forced to smile....my public facade showed a sweet smile complete with dimples... muahahahah.....

Forcing myself to look deeper and see if I am truly happy.... PMS had been forcing me to the dark, angry, frustrated side..but I am happy, am I not?...hmm…yes I am but simultaneously, I am also sad…there is an emptiness that is threatening to overwhelm all happiness that I can muster. So, what to do? What to do?

But just for today, I shall count my blessings.

At the very least, i grew up with parents (whom for all their faults - did the best they thought was the best). A grandma whom I absolutely adore. Cousins whom my friends envy much and whom I can always always count on. Friends all my life (have been there - one way or another). A pretty damn good tertiary education. Good grades - thanks mom and dad! A pretty damn good job! Great colleagues too!!

An amazingly, my one and only French pen-pal whom I have been in contact with for 10 yrs just emailed me !!!!.....happiness!! (i.e. free accommodation in Paris when I visit him)….LOL…I m such a cheapo!

HECK!!!....what is there to complaint about in life?

Soul dressing over ceasers salad...

2004-09-24T16:31:00.000-07:00

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou, on Oprah Winfrey

Had a fabulous lunch....ceaser salad...crispy crouton...green green grass of salad bowl :) Damn...feels healthy!

And was seated overlooking KLCC’s fountain park. Sun shinning....Bloody hell...it was damn good (and this feel-good-factor had nothing to do with the guy sitting opposite me…he is married)!!!!!

Noticed people swaying past Starbucks, hop to Dome…settled down…smoke a bit, try not to melt in the smelting heat in their high-powered suits....Noticed for the first time in a fuck**** long time the almost cloudless sky! SKY?!!....numb I definitely am not! Looks like I am slowly regaining my living soul!

Back to lunch, amazingly, my partner in crime **being a grown man** actually had a fairly good time digging into his salad! Amazing discovery, i tell you!

Best part, he was older and of course earning much more than I am ..... so, in the natural order of the world * wink wink ~ uncurled, short, bloody chinese eyelashes*, he paid for my ceasers salad! Keep this up and I WILL think that the world owes me!!!

The dessert for today: my lunch partner, Mr Married(MrM).

Goes like this:-

MrM: how are you?

Me: good

MrM: how is work?

Me: good.

MrM: personal life? (to say the least, I got knocked down by infatuation and lust…now, have to get back up and fight the world again…)

* this is where I rant abt lost love and where the hell is my soulmate – not worth your precious time writing*

(I love this part best)

MrM: Don’t kill yourself over it, he is not worth it. You are!!

(sob sob….dear heavens, why are all good man either married or gay?!!! Why why why?)

MrM: shit…i am petrified abt marriage lar….shitting in my pants here

Me: *laughed my ass off*….relax, you are just getting cold feet here….anyway, you were the one WHO proposed!

MrM: yeah….it is just that I have been on the dark side lately. I feel like I am NUMB to everything else. I really don’t care if the world dies tomorrow. I just go to work, do my work not because I am passionate about it but because I get paid to do my fucking job!!! Bottomline, I DON’T CARE!!!....i just get pissed drunk, then go home and get high on pot

Me: does your wife know that you smoke pot? (concern but not judgmental)

MrM: yeah

Me: ok. Actually, you make me happy because I now know I am not the only one in the dark moods lately.

* just then, I realize whaevert dark, lost feeling I was going thru is probably somewhat similar to a million ppl’s experience as well…..albeit, different degree of intensity. Some more so than others (i.e. leading to suicidal attempts and mild depression )

MrM: LOL…I m glad that my predicament is making you happy….

Me: no no….ok, it does lar…but the point is this, it makes me feel LESS ALONE……the darn gnawing emptiness!

Spinning the world around my fingers?!!!....

2004-09-23T13:20:00.000-07:00

I went to the gym last night. Was early. So, decided to join spinning.

Although it sounds rather “canggih”, it is really nothing more than a juxtaposition of competitive cycling and hill climb…having said that, it also comes with a bouncer-look-alike instructor demanding more than 100% of your sweat….DAMN my ass hurts like hell now!

It was GOOD! But it still doesn’t erase the fact that my ass hurts. I think I need a hot soak or a spa treatment for my ass. Truth be told, because I pushed so hard (in a none sexual manner, mind you), my clitoris hurts like hell too!

This is embarrassing but have to be told in case some poor gal wants to try it. Not sure how the guys feel after the class though….probably lost some mojo to the tune of Hoobastank? Would love to find out though….hmmmm…

I love gym! After gym – it really does release happy adrenaline thingy! I think the most important thing abt having a so-called “gym-ing” culture is that it gives me a sense of control.

What am I talking about? Well, I read an article on Cleo (yeah, I am been accused of having a literacy diet limited to Cleo ~ coz it is cheap and Cosmo ~ coz it is expensive) that elaborated on a girl’s need to control at least one thing in their life. Some girls control their bf, some upkeep their house to the point of being a fanatic, others control their career or a mother controlling kids and hubby (which is the most common scenario)…. In a nutshell, as human beings, we need to “control” at least one aspect of life. (So guys, if your *soulmate* nags, try counting to 10 and remember: They can be excused because they need to “CONTROL” the relationship…if you are lucky, in bed!!)

The article goes on to advise that in order to avoid a relationship break-down, girls will need to find alternative avenue to divert the need to “control”. So, gym is a good way. It gives you a control of your physical being.

In my case, it gave me control over my life as initially my career does not look like it is going anywhere, no boyfriend as yet (potentially might not even HAVE) and my parents going for a separation!! I suddenly found myself fast losing control of LIFE...gym gave me back the sense of order and control.

If you happen to be a cosmopolitan chick (i.e. mid wage earner or slightly more gal working in city), it would not take much intelligence to note that every Mary, Jane and Ah Lian is jumping on the “Oh, I belong to Fitness First or Sweat Club” bandwagon! (read that as a high-pitch to shattered glass tone)….

Why gym?

MOST want to be slimmer and tone

Other than that, I won’t cross these reasons out either:-

(1) Some chicks want to meet guys

(2) Some guys want to meet other guys (very common in a certain Fitness First in a certain part of Damansara)…oopss did I say damansara?..hahahah…the cat is out !!!

(3) Some want to be healthy,

(4) Some want to network (hopefully with the hot babe/hunk from KPMG? Ernst and Young? Petronas? Maxis?)

(5) Some might even find extra-marital affair with hot, single career-minded chick who don’t mind the additional attention minus the hassle of a relationship (sort of like having nasi lemak but no calorie intake ~ shit, that would be heavenly!!)

So, looks like I will be “gym-ing” again tonight. There is this cute cina beng who hits the treadmill almost every other day….want to be next to him…just to ogle at his thigh muscle….*swooning*

Cheerios!

A truth which has never been told so succinctly

2004-09-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

*Never quite understood Mars vs. Venus* ~ Thank goodness i am not in a relationship.....might have to do a masters in astronomy then...For your reading pleasure.....enjoy :)

"I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear:"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying,"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you -- she was SO excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement;smiling with excited anticipation she finally said,"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey,I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added: "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the thingsI buy you?"APPARENTLY I'M NOT HAVING SEX TONIGHT EITHER

Great vs. Small: Forever a Woman's Issue

2004-09-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

A Tribute to the Woman in Us All

Was reading the papers - Star Two - on Ms HK 1989 Monica Chan and yadda yadda yadda.....

Damn it!! Did any of you see her flawless skin? More importantly, scuplted arms and slim figure? ....I was in the gym yesterday - doing an hour of treadmill jog, then failed to resist the yummy durian that was offered smack right in front of my face...and thousand miles away, Ms Chan was smilling sweetly into the camera...posing like the world is her plate of oyster..it probably is!

I proclaim this the battle of the great (trying to be politically polite here and at the same time less harsh on my physical attribute *OUCH*) v. small (i.e. pretty exotic birds)

A guy once told me, hot babe gets it all. The unfortunate, not so "hot" - looking babe have to work for it! Dear heavens, if you are listening in: that ain't fair play.....

And Ms Chan had the bloody gall to say: Her dream man doesn't necessarily have to be rich but he must be handsome, looks like a male model and have no zits!!......WHAT!! WHAT!! whatt!!! (incredulous cum puzzled look...neatly shaped eyebrow rising to forehead!!)

I tried to "pikat" a guy not too long ago, he was ugly (which is testament to love/ infatuation being fucking blind)...don't even mention male model look alike...and failed miserably at that too....*sigh*.....are looks everything?

Then, if I am an actress, the world but a stageplay...why in heaven's name was I not born prettier? taller? slimmer?, bountiful (in the right places mind you - coz at the moment, it is all in the wrong area!)? ARGH!!!

That is why slimming centres promising a life REBORN are mushrooming everywhere. And they promise you a whole new life....boost your self-esteem....etc...does it work? From my friends' testimonial, some say yes...others say no. Be your own judge. No conclusive evidence.

Naturally being a woman, living in this sometimes harsh, other times exciting cosmopolitan city, where everyday is a rat race...being beautiful and slim is an added advantage.

I for one, am guilty of thinking that slimming centres can and will be able to elevate my mere existence into stardom. I signed up, made easier by installment payment. Starved myself for two weeks....(this happened last year)....and now, back to hitting the gym...coz the kgs i lost during the programme actually piled back. But, i feel better and more in control now...coz I have tried (squench my thirst for the unknown promises) and it didn't work on me...i know exercise will always be a healthier alternative!

However, must say that I am guilty of being a gym addict. Anyone with the same symptom? I have seen many gals/guys hitting the gym in a rather scary religious manner....why? why? why?

Because we can't love ourselves any other way...we are shaped from other ppl's perception and expectation...Who are the audience of this stageplay, if everyone is an actor?

How the fuck is "inner" beauty suppose to shine when your exterior is shinning and shooting PRADA, GUCCI, Vincci glitters every single minute?

And I always thought inner beauty was everything. Fucking crap actors of the world....

Let me reaffirm, WOMAN ~ we are beautiful...because WE ARE GREAT!!!....

*Sigh*.....been a rather long day my dear friends. So much to write...such jumbled thought...

Still trying to sign off with a smile :)

Pikat = go after, i.e. make a dimwit guy fall for me.

My life as defined by Shakespeare...

2004-09-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; An one man in his time plays many parts" - As You Like It, Shakespeare

25 yrs, my friends....25 yrs! Damn ~ been quite a ride, would love to say it had been a smooth ride, but to acknowledge that would mean that i am bullshitting my way through life.

Been shit! Been heavenly! Been boring! Been interesting! Been happy! Been sad! Been secretly loving someone but GOD DAMN IT ~ have not been loved!

All in all, the crux of my life lies in the fact that I am but an actress, playing my part in this great big universe. But, the question remains: what part am I playing?

The mellowed-down studious gal in uni or the one who says fuck all the time in high school ~ until one friend actually had the gall to acuse me of bad influence ~ fuck, not my fault when she decides to emulate me....

Or the rebellious child who mature and trying to make amendments for all the faults/ disrespect I have shown to my parents...(this much i know is true: if you are still in your teens and reading this and probably won't come back for a second helping, take this fucking advise: respect thee parents....they know a lot more shit than you will ever comprehend!!)...sigh! and still making mistakes along the way....man, will i never learn...

Or the public facade I use when I go to work...wake up at 6.30am (curse the Ampang jam), shower, brush my teeth (coz mummy says so ~ otherwise, i don't think I will bother...too much trouble...too early in the morning :)....in office at 7.30am. Pretend my work is important. Scoot off for breakfast at 9am. 11.30am - think of lunch. Best time of my day, during lunch when I get to mingle with my workmates. At 2.30pm - try damn hard not to fall asleep. 6pm, work start to pile up and can't go back/ gym until seven-ish. And don't get me wrong, although i lament abt the "routine" mundaness of my working life, I actually happen to love my work and my workmates very much....

So, what role, if I may ask, am I playing along the way?

Is Shakespeare right: We are merely actors and the world our stage...(a damn big stage, if i may say so....giving me a surge in adrenaline, deluding myself into thinking that i can achieve whateva i dream of.....except love....which still remains a mystery)...

Soooo focus, yet soooo LOST....DAMN IT!

Signing off with a smile....