Altered paradigm

I wish I didn’t have to tell you this, but it must be told. And yet, my heart aches as I spew the words.

How to construct this to make it sound less bleak? How to tell you this without losing much innocence? Am I just cynical or is this called growing into a mature stage?

She said that I am way too innocent. She expressed her motherly concern. Some time, I feel that she has outgrown me…yet, she is younger than I.

Wake up! People around me shriek! *shaking heads ~ pitying me my idealism*

Yet, I refuse! Grasp to the rapidly thinning thread of child-like faith and innocence with dear life.

WTF am I talking abt? Relationships *eyes rolling* of course. Specifically, male female rel, that involves more than just sex (i.e. sharing your bloody life with that one person, whom your deranged mind somehow recognize as soulmate)

My idealism: I believe in soulmates. I hold the belief that there is only one person whom I am meant to hold, respect and above all trust. This would be the definition of all encompassing love. “Trust” is the topic I dwell in most times. It is fragile and once broken, considered well…broken lar!

My cynicism: Rising evidence of infidelity everywhere you turn to…rather sad, but she said it must be accepted as hard cold reality!

The sadness in me comes from the recognition that I am slowing losing the child-like faith in a relationship and skewing towards the cynical part of me. And I don’t even need to experience infidelity….all I need to do is look around me and heard all the behind-bedroom door stories!

Is it wrong to believe? Is it not easier to trust?

A person close to my heart once asked: How can you only love one man? Do you not feel attracted to other man?

I answered: Of course you fantasize about other man…lust for them….wish they were yours…but actually putting your fantasy into action is all together different. An action is a conscious decision and as human being, you are only worthy of your actions. Hence, I am not saying I can’t love another. I am saying that I am human enough for that flaw but I am also human enough to stick by my decision of loving only one man!

And if you do have the urge to cheat, I think you must be smart enough to hide it!! FULL STOP!